how the church bells rang

I cannot withstand this quiet understanding, I said
As I discarded subtle love with the orange peels and used up coffee grinds.
I washed my hands of thoughtlessness, heart-eating bacterium
And swept my precious tears off the kitchen floor.

Good God let the church bells ring so
That the rooks leave their nests and go streaming into the skies
Like a banner of ill omen. Let the bats flee from the bell fry
Like a plume of black smoke as if to say the world is upside down now.

I wrung my hands behind my back while you fixed your gaze on me.
Those apathetic eyes I pleaded with, they never cry.
I questioned my existence, contemplated my will to live
But shrugged it off completely.

Tomorrow you'll kiss my neck while I
Smile into the bed pillows.

within shadows

It is a haunting character of humanity, loneliness. A human condition, as quoted in one of my favorite novels, "White Oleander". But it is true, that we struggle with companionship, always needing it. We build expectations thus setting the basis for our happiness with our friendships. Some of us are afraid to venture out and embrace the ones we love as much as they love us. Oh but we cope with one another, accepting differences or rejecting them and moving on. Even I tend to harbor my feelings deep within the shadows of my soul, not quite a dark place but a place where only I can indulge or contemplate as needed. I've come to learn that too many bad things happen when we bare our hearts for all the world to see, become vulnerable when we are already so fragile.

I like to think that I can flash a smile, and somewhere under the ordinary mouth parted, teeth showing, lips curved slightly to the upward contours of my cheek bones, that anyone could see the genuine show of emotion. It's always there in a hearty laugh, a shy giggle, a simple embrace. So why does everyone seem to expect a much for flagrant show of affection, or a much more obvious acting out of emotions. It's there! Within the shadows of our souls.

twenty-six and then some

On mother's day I watched the horizon give birth to a pink and orange dawn. I blew a kiss to twenty-five as it drifted away and embraced another year to come. I hadn't slept a wink the night before, so I grabbed my new book, The Mermaid Chair, and pulled the bed covers over me, fluffed the pillows behind me and shifted into a comfortable enough position.

I thought to myself, if only I could not call my mother for once in my life. She would ask me "Why didn't you call?" and I would have to respond with "Because I don't need you anymore, the same way you stopped needing me!" But that would have been a lie.. why do I still need her?

haunted

Years ago while mindlessly channel surfing I discovered a television show that astounded me. Coincidentally, it was the very first episode of Ghost Hunters, a show featuring a paranormal investigation team on their hunt for ghosts and other paranormal phenomena. This show offered content that no other show did very well and it captured and held my attention. I've been watching it ever since! It's really quite suspenseful although sometimes over dramatic but this is television! We all know it thrives on drama. On this first episode the The Atlantic Paranormal Society (otherwise known as TAPS) were investigating a house in Pennsylvania. Throughout the night the crew uses various types of cameras, digital sound recorders and EMF detectors as well as the ordinary thermometer. They walk through the home documenting every step and later analyze the evidence with the hope that something extraordinary presents itself. In this particular episode nothing was caught on film but a digital sound recorder did pick up an EVP (electronic voice phenomena) which at the time it was caught, could not be heard by human ears. The voice sounded like a child which clearly said "They don't want us here." Pretty freaky right?!

So naturally I was instantly hooked on this show, sitting on the edge of my seat just dying with curiosity to see what they will find next. I guess I'm not as skeptical as a lot of people are, I do try to find logical explanations for what could have caused certain noises or movements and things but the TAPS team does a really good job of that as well and I trust them. There have been some really great damning pieces of evidence on that show! EVP's are great.. sure they're scary but unless I were the one in control of that equipment, I could never know for certain how the voices came to imprint themselves on that digital recorder, so I usually take those pieces of evidence with a grain of salt. They're there.. meh lets move on the good stuff! I love seeing something on video, to me it just seems harder to fake and when I'm watching some of those video clips, I can't help but think that some of these things are truly genuine. Watch for yourself, my top Ghost Hunters moments listed below.

Saint Augustine Lighthouse, Florida
LINK

A ghost on the thermal camera.
LINK

Race Rock Lighthouse
(This footage is not that great in quality but watch the left of the screen!)
LINK

New Bedford Armory
LINK

The Stanley Hotel
(Even this place inspired Stephen King!)
LINK

So now that you've seen and hopefully understand my point of view here, I started watching many other ghost shows. As Ghost Hunters became more and more popular over the years it was inevitable that other shows would start popping up of course. One program aired recently on the Sci-Fi Channel. It was a documentary called Ghost Adventures. The title sounded a bit lame but nevertheless, with Ghost Hunters being off air for a few weeks, I needed something to feed m insatiable appetite for the paranormal.

After watching the documentary I was blown away and completely speechless. Maybe I'm just a sucker for some really pro video editing.. but what if its all true? You absolutely have to watch this and see it for yourself, and take from it.. what you will! It's pretty long but its worth it to watch it in its entirety. If you have no patience and/or are just lazy skip to part 7 which I think is the best piece!

Part 1
LINK

Part 2
LINK

Part 3
LINK

Part 4
LINK

Part 5
LINK

Part 6
LINK

Part 7
LINK

Part 8
LINK

Part 9
LINK

on the tap

I peered down the bridge of my nose into a full glass of tap water, glittering cubes of ice clinked in a fairytale rhythm against the glass. I tipped the glass to my parched mouth, I yearned for cold tasteless liquid soothing my dry throat but the tap water could only provide a contradiction. Before the chilled water could reach my lips the aroma made me squint my eyes shut and crinkle my nose in disgust. City water, no matter how clean and pure it looks, should never be meant for drinking. And in all the cities I've traveled to, it is the same still!

In my city the water smells faintly of several chemicals all at once which, upon the smell of it, results in the back of my throat closing with stubborn refusal to allow it's contents to reach my belly. It is the smell of bleach, chlorine, and a bit of a metallic aroma, like dirty pennies aged a century. In the Outerbanks of North Carolina the water simply smells as if someone struck a match and dropped it into the bottom of the glass. Wisconsin is the worst. It smells like a fish tank, or a lake. Either way it's an organic stench which I associate with microscopic bugs or worms that could only have harmful intentions! It is a mixture of fish and moist soil. I distinctly remember my grandfather telling me how much he loved the water, he would try to convince me of how pure it was. I have no idea how cities process their water, but it seems quite a half assed job no matter how much money the local governments spend on equipment and testing and technology and workers to run and oversee the job through. Funded by government seems to be the crucial reason for city water's epic failure.

I even have a hard time with some bottled waters. But I've learned which ones to trust through several daring moments of trying something new. Some taste salty, or metallic. But for some reason the one I like best has a sort of hard mineral taste. Like a rushing stream sweetly eroding the rocks surrounding and carrying it's memory within. In my mind it seems as pure and clean as a Christian. It doesn't need ice, which I only put into the tap water to make it more aesthetically pleasing. It only needs just a squishy plastic bottle hugging the contents inside, secure and safe and immaculate.

seemingly gray

Birds are singing in harmonious symphony. The trees have been budding for weeks already and with each breath of wind, pollen spreads like pixie dust on top of everything outdoors. I hate this time of year because I've been trained to associate it with sickness. Having been allergic to certain grasses and oak trees in my earlier years taught me that while nature's spring rebirth is beneficial and spirit lifting to some, it was quite the opposite for myself. I enjoy the sunlight on cool days and curse it when the humidity comes, sticking to the small of your back and dripping down your temples.

I love a good bursting thunderstorm in the evenings too, the kind that comes rolling through with a strong, whipping wind and sudden heavy downpours. Streaks of lightning gently rolling through the clouds that seem to go on for eternity but for some reason our eyes lose sight of them. That moment is the best part of a thunderstorm. I am fascinated beyond belief, it's the curiosity of where will the next static branch of light spread its arms across the sky and hopefully it will last longer than that last one that disappeared into the mysterious dark clouds, shrouded by night and sucking up the strikes like a black hole in the sky.

I look forward to that excitement, but the sun is out guiding a gentle breeze carrying bits of pollen and dust and probably the inch worms too. Today is nothing but a robbin's egg blue sky, ordinary and boring. It is safe and all too acceptable. Perhaps it is the reason why through my eyes, it seems gray and colorless.

be humble

Humble:
Not proud or arrogant, but courteously respectful.

I have always felt I am a humble person. I do become self centered at times, get caught up in my failures or rare successes and cry out in pain or joy, but I am modest when I do so. And I have always despised those who wear arrogance as a tattoo across their foreheads. I regard those, who are much too proud, with contempt. And what is the purpose of all the pride you carry? Do you need validation that you are better than all you know? Validation is the catalyst to all things in life.. love, hate, self loathing and goddamn pride! And I'm not talking about validation as being something that is true, it's validating what we feel, what we need, who we are or want to be. It is the reason we marry and have children. It is the reason we hold grudges against others. It is the reason we tell little white lies or want the world to appreciate us in any way. The human race requires validation to keep progressing.

Think of teenagers who are most affected by this, which in effect leads to suicide. Think of the wars on every land known to mankind, yes even on our own land here in America. Without validation, and the absolute need for it, wouldn't we all be zombies?

Be humble! Seek validation from those you love, find it in a beautiful song, wear it on your sleeve and keep it in your heart tucked away for you to feed from, but BE HUMBLE.

play on playa

For about a year and a half now I've been in love with video games. I love the challenge, the small accomplishments that quests can provide and the many adventures that await upon my journey to level up! I bid farewell to my beloved Silkroad Online, my first MMORPG. It was grand in the early days when I was just a noob, I climbed the ranks and took leadership of a guild called SuddenDeath and managed an entire union. Those were fun times. We were the few, the proud, the legit! But of course there comes a time when one must move on to greater adventures, new found glories. Bots ruined the game, the game managers didn't give a shit so customer service was more than a bit lacking! Hacker's ran rampant, too many people supported gold bots and ruined the economy by buying gold. Sure I could easily have done the same but now we have a problem with server traffic. I could hardly log onto the game.

So I dared to try World of Warcraft. If you haven't heard of it, please climb out from the rock you've been hiding under for 3 years! After trying an unsatisfying plethora of free MMO's I finally realized I could only get what I wanted by paying for it. Well, after I saw how much fun my husband was having I had to join in! I'm loving it.

I love making videos for the game's I'm playing but never got the chance to make one that was really great. The only one's I ever made were for Silkroad but I aspire to make a few for WoW. Keep an eye on my youtube channel. Should be some fun stuff coming soon! :)

Youtube

brilliance

Song:

http://www.dizzler.com/music/Blue_October/Violin_Solo

I've always been attracted to a sad violin but this one.. ah this one is fucking brilliant. It captures every emotion you could possibly conceive. First it starts with curiosity, a few intriguing notes and then the adventure of digging into the unknown. There is doubt, what have I gotten myself into and possibly panic or anxiety at the events, a world spinning out of control. You finally grasp the concept and make sense of whatever situation is presented to you. Now you're learning how to work it, control and motivation, a fire ignited within to tackle whatever obstacles may block your path. Oh and she sings, that violin sings a song of blissful happiness once you've found your dreams and you, so smug, indulge in them. Maybe now you're feeling proud of what you've overcome, the final note is one filled with pride and defiance... or was it defeat?

Movies:

There are several of them actually. Usually I would be talking about the books but I'm still impressed with the movies and for most people visual images make a better impression. So here we go! The first is Loverboy... NO I am not talking about that god awful movie made in 1989.. this was released in 2005, directed by Kevin Bacon ( I know! I was quite surprised as well.) Written by Hannah Shakespeare (please, I honestly hope that's her real last name, too fucking cliche!) but based on the novel by Victoria Redel (buy it!!). This movie is great, lots of well known faces but the story! That's the good meat and juice of the movie right there. This mother creates a life for her and her son, she's very intellectual and at times she becomes very psychotic in her possessiveness. It has a tragic ending, you'll see the irony in the end but its just good! There's no way to describe it and I don't want to spoil the greatness of it. Rent it ASAP!

White Oleander. Directed by Peter Kosminsky who did a fantastic job of infusing the artistic, poetic theme that the novel carries, which was written by Janet Fitch. The book is so much more involved than the movie is so once again, buy it! Screenplay by Mary Agnes Donoghue. So its about this girl raised by a single mother who is an artist and poet. She murders her boyfriend and the daughter (Astrid, funny name..) gets sent to foster homes and at one point an institution. The mother, played by Michelle Pfeiffer, she's inspiring! Once again, very intellectual and yet a little psychotic (I'm seeing a theme here lol, purely coincidence!), it's a fabulous movie about how the daughter and the mother try so hard to define themselves. It's quite a passionate movie and I adore it!

Marie Antoinette. Purely for the beauty of it. To my knowledge this movie wasn't based on one single novel but it is based on actual history of the real Marie Antoinette, France's iconic but ill-fated queen. From her betrothal and marriage to Louis XVI at 15 to her reign as queen at 19 and to the end of her reign as queen and ultimately the fall of Versailles. So who cares about the history I mean blah blah its always boring, am I right? But the movie is gorgeous! The fashion, the clothes, the music, the parties, the opera, the garden with the calla lilies.. its just simply pretty! The plot might get a little boring to some, it's a weak story line but once you watch the full movie you will understand it. The famous phrase "Let them eat cake!" is also in the movie and Sophie Coppola (Director and Writer of the film) interprets this in her own way, which I thought was great. Kirsten Dunst played the role as Marie Antoinette perfectly. The movie captures the embellishments of the queen in that era, she was an indulgent one but also a passionate one. She was so young. Could you imagine being queen of an entire kingdom at the ripe young age of 15? A fabulously beautiful movie!

Books:

Okay, I'll make this short but I can't talk about all my favorite things and not talk about a book! I love to read! Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar absolutely amazing novel about a young girl's mental instabilities and trial's of life. Some of you might have been forced to read this in school, you should be thankful! And that's all I have to say about that. Also, just because I said so, you should read her complete unabridged journals. Sylvia is truly the definition of brilliant, I have never been more inspired by any other writer. If you don't like a tragedy or depressing story, don't bother, she has her good moments in both The Bell Jar and her journals but she was better at tragic.

Mary Karr, she has two memoirs that are both equally wonderful. She has a poetic way with words so it's an easy read and I love memoirs because it's just so interesting reading someone's true stories. I often cringe at some of the things she admits because I would have been embarrassed to say such things but that's what makes it great! It's not your average "I grew up with my parents and had a sister and some friends" story. She is also a poet and has some great work, I've only read her Viper poems but they're awesome of course.

Philipa Gregory. Read her historical fictions about the court of Henry VIII, those are the best ones really. I have personally read The Virgins Lover, The Other Boleyn Girl, and The Queen's Fool. She's got some newer works out that I'm dying to purchase as well as an upcoming movie for The Other Boleyn Girl, can't wait! Once again I find myself captivated by the magic and charming beauty of that time and era. The stories are great, filled with the hopes and desires of women who crave the social status that the king's court can offer. Deception and scandals often lead to interesting plots that will keep you on the edge of your chair waiting to find out what will happen next. There is a splash of romance here and there but it's not trashy nor dripping off of every page in over abundance. Her novels provide a good read and are purely entertaining. Brilliant stuff!

rebirth

The promise of spring is upon us and while I don't usually like this time of year I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm almost over my cold which seems to be an annual thing, give or take a few minor ones throughout the year. But spring.. a time for regeneration, new beginnings and rebirth. And my birthday of course but that's a couple months away lol. March always reminds me of Florida for some reason. Usually my family traveled there in June but the last time I went it was in March and every year I think about it. It's been a while and I long to go back! I need a dose of sunshine with a side of azure beaches and palm trees!

Sure mother nature has her flaws as we all do. Don't go to Florida during hurricane season! But it's so great in the summertime there. Daily afternoon thunderstorms, I love a dark booming sky! I'm only happy when it rains.. well that's from a song but I enjoy a good storm. The humidity there is unbearable to some but it's like a sweet moist kiss running down your back.

So it's a time for rebirth. Brush off that dead skin from yesterday and move forward with Godspeed and with intentions of living life with a purpose. To succeed, to achieve, maybe even just to have a goal. My father called me, he was telling me a story about one of Big Bro's friends. He saw him at the casino and wanted to get his phone number to keep in touch but neither had a pen to exchange numbers. "You'll see me again, next time". But unfortunately he passed away in a car accident. I guess my dad was calling to tell me that life is short and he wanted to make sure I was still alive.

He never called Lil Bro, but sometimes I don't even know why I still call him my brother.