Ophelia Infinity

how the church bells rang

2008-12-12T16:00:00.002-05:00

I cannot withstand this quiet understanding, I said
As I discarded subtle love with the orange peels and used up coffee grinds.
I washed my hands of thoughtlessness, heart-eating bacterium
And swept my precious tears off the kitchen floor.

Good God let the church bells ring so
That the rooks leave their nests and go streaming into the skies
Like a banner of ill omen. Let the bats flee from the bell fry
Like a plume of black smoke as if to say the world is upside down now.

I wrung my hands behind my back while you fixed your gaze on me.
Those apathetic eyes I pleaded with, they never cry.
I questioned my existence, contemplated my will to live
But shrugged it off completely.

Tomorrow you'll kiss my neck while I
Smile into the bed pillows.

within shadows

2008-05-26T19:54:00.003-04:00

It is a haunting character of humanity, loneliness. A human condition, as quoted in one of my favorite novels, "White Oleander". But it is true, that we struggle with companionship, always needing it. We build expectations thus setting the basis for our happiness with our friendships. Some of us are afraid to venture out and embrace the ones we love as much as they love us. Oh but we cope with one another, accepting differences or rejecting them and moving on. Even I tend to harbor my feelings deep within the shadows of my soul, not quite a dark place but a place where only I can indulge or contemplate as needed. I've come to learn that too many bad things happen when we bare our hearts for all the world to see, become vulnerable when we are already so fragile.

I like to think that I can flash a smile, and somewhere under the ordinary mouth parted, teeth showing, lips curved slightly to the upward contours of my cheek bones, that anyone could see the genuine show of emotion. It's always there in a hearty laugh, a shy giggle, a simple embrace. So why does everyone seem to expect a much for flagrant show of affection, or a much more obvious acting out of emotions. It's there! Within the shadows of our souls.

twenty-six and then some

2008-05-13T15:55:00.002-04:00

On mother's day I watched the horizon give birth to a pink and orange dawn. I blew a kiss to twenty-five as it drifted away and embraced another year to come. I hadn't slept a wink the night before, so I grabbed my new book, The Mermaid Chair, and pulled the bed covers over me, fluffed the pillows behind me and shifted into a comfortable enough position.

I thought to myself, if only I could not call my mother for once in my life. She would ask me "Why didn't you call?" and I would have to respond with "Because I don't need you anymore, the same way you stopped needing me!" But that would have been a lie.. why do I still need her?

haunted

2008-05-08T21:35:00.004-04:00

Years ago while mindlessly channel surfing I discovered a television show that astounded me. Coincidentally, it was the very first episode of Ghost Hunters, a show featuring a paranormal investigation team on their hunt for ghosts and other paranormal phenomena. This show offered content that no other show did very well and it captured and held my attention. I've been watching it ever since! It's really quite suspenseful although sometimes over dramatic but this is television! We all know it thrives on drama. On this first episode the The Atlantic Paranormal Society (otherwise known as TAPS) were investigating a house in Pennsylvania. Throughout the night the crew uses various types of cameras, digital sound recorders and EMF detectors as well as the ordinary thermometer. They walk through the home documenting every step and later analyze the evidence with the hope that something extraordinary presents itself. In this particular episode nothing was caught on film but a digital sound recorder did pick up an EVP (electronic voice phenomena) which at the time it was caught, could not be heard by human ears. The voice sounded like a child which clearly said "They don't want us here." Pretty freaky right?!

So naturally I was instantly hooked on this show, sitting on the edge of my seat just dying with curiosity to see what they will find next. I guess I'm not as skeptical as a lot of people are, I do try to find logical explanations for what could have caused certain noises or movements and things but the TAPS team does a really good job of that as well and I trust them. There have been some really great damning pieces of evidence on that show! EVP's are great.. sure they're scary but unless I were the one in control of that equipment, I could never know for certain how the voices came to imprint themselves on that digital recorder, so I usually take those pieces of evidence with a grain of salt. They're there.. meh lets move on the good stuff! I love seeing something on video, to me it just seems harder to fake and when I'm watching some of those video clips, I can't help but think that some of these things are truly genuine. Watch for yourself, my top Ghost Hunters moments listed below.

Saint Augustine Lighthouse, Florida
LINK

A ghost on the thermal camera.
LINK

Race Rock Lighthouse
(This footage is not that great in quality but watch the left of the screen!)
LINK

New Bedford Armory
LINK

The Stanley Hotel
(Even this place inspired Stephen King!)
LINK

So now that you've seen and hopefully understand my point of view here, I started watching many other ghost shows. As Ghost Hunters became more and more popular over the years it was inevitable that other shows would start popping up of course. One program aired recently on the Sci-Fi Channel. It was a documentary called Ghost Adventures. The title sounded a bit lame but nevertheless, with Ghost Hunters being off air for a few weeks, I needed something to feed m insatiable appetite for the paranormal.

After watching the documentary I was blown away and completely speechless. Maybe I'm just a sucker for some really pro video editing.. but what if its all true? You absolutely have to watch this and see it for yourself, and take from it.. what you will! It's pretty long but its worth it to watch it in its entirety. If you have no patience and/or are just lazy skip to part 7 which I think is the best piece!

Part 1
LINK

Part 2
LINK

Part 3
LINK

Part 4
LINK

Part 5
LINK

Part 6
LINK

Part 7
LINK

Part 8
LINK

Part 9
LINK

on the tap

2008-04-18T15:38:00.002-04:00

I peered down the bridge of my nose into a full glass of tap water, glittering cubes of ice clinked in a fairytale rhythm against the glass. I tipped the glass to my parched mouth, I yearned for cold tasteless liquid soothing my dry throat but the tap water could only provide a contradiction. Before the chilled water could reach my lips the aroma made me squint my eyes shut and crinkle my nose in disgust. City water, no matter how clean and pure it looks, should never be meant for drinking. And in all the cities I've traveled to, it is the same still!

In my city the water smells faintly of several chemicals all at once which, upon the smell of it, results in the back of my throat closing with stubborn refusal to allow it's contents to reach my belly. It is the smell of bleach, chlorine, and a bit of a metallic aroma, like dirty pennies aged a century. In the Outerbanks of North Carolina the water simply smells as if someone struck a match and dropped it into the bottom of the glass. Wisconsin is the worst. It smells like a fish tank, or a lake. Either way it's an organic stench which I associate with microscopic bugs or worms that could only have harmful intentions! It is a mixture of fish and moist soil. I distinctly remember my grandfather telling me how much he loved the water, he would try to convince me of how pure it was. I have no idea how cities process their water, but it seems quite a half assed job no matter how much money the local governments spend on equipment and testing and technology and workers to run and oversee the job through. Funded by government seems to be the crucial reason for city water's epic failure.

I even have a hard time with some bottled waters. But I've learned which ones to trust through several daring moments of trying something new. Some taste salty, or metallic. But for some reason the one I like best has a sort of hard mineral taste. Like a rushing stream sweetly eroding the rocks surrounding and carrying it's memory within. In my mind it seems as pure and clean as a Christian. It doesn't need ice, which I only put into the tap water to make it more aesthetically pleasing. It only needs just a squishy plastic bottle hugging the contents inside, secure and safe and immaculate.

seemingly gray

2008-04-16T15:53:00.003-04:00

Birds are singing in harmonious symphony. The trees have been budding for weeks already and with each breath of wind, pollen spreads like pixie dust on top of everything outdoors. I hate this time of year because I've been trained to associate it with sickness. Having been allergic to certain grasses and oak trees in my earlier years taught me that while nature's spring rebirth is beneficial and spirit lifting to some, it was quite the opposite for myself. I enjoy the sunlight on cool days and curse it when the humidity comes, sticking to the small of your back and dripping down your temples.

I love a good bursting thunderstorm in the evenings too, the kind that comes rolling through with a strong, whipping wind and sudden heavy downpours. Streaks of lightning gently rolling through the clouds that seem to go on for eternity but for some reason our eyes lose sight of them. That moment is the best part of a thunderstorm. I am fascinated beyond belief, it's the curiosity of where will the next static branch of light spread its arms across the sky and hopefully it will last longer than that last one that disappeared into the mysterious dark clouds, shrouded by night and sucking up the strikes like a black hole in the sky.

I look forward to that excitement, but the sun is out guiding a gentle breeze carrying bits of pollen and dust and probably the inch worms too. Today is nothing but a robbin's egg blue sky, ordinary and boring. It is safe and all too acceptable. Perhaps it is the reason why through my eyes, it seems gray and colorless.

be humble

2008-04-11T17:17:00.004-04:00

Humble:
Not proud or arrogant, but courteously respectful.

I have always felt I am a humble person. I do become self centered at times, get caught up in my failures or rare successes and cry out in pain or joy, but I am modest when I do so. And I have always despised those who wear arrogance as a tattoo across their foreheads. I regard those, who are much too proud, with contempt. And what is the purpose of all the pride you carry? Do you need validation that you are better than all you know? Validation is the catalyst to all things in life.. love, hate, self loathing and goddamn pride! And I'm not talking about validation as being something that is true, it's validating what we feel, what we need, who we are or want to be. It is the reason we marry and have children. It is the reason we hold grudges against others. It is the reason we tell little white lies or want the world to appreciate us in any way. The human race requires validation to keep progressing.

Think of teenagers who are most affected by this, which in effect leads to suicide. Think of the wars on every land known to mankind, yes even on our own land here in America. Without validation, and the absolute need for it, wouldn't we all be zombies?

Be humble! Seek validation from those you love, find it in a beautiful song, wear it on your sleeve and keep it in your heart tucked away for you to feed from, but BE HUMBLE.

play on playa

2008-03-26T22:51:00.003-04:00

For about a year and a half now I've been in love with video games. I love the challenge, the small accomplishments that quests can provide and the many adventures that await upon my journey to level up! I bid farewell to my beloved Silkroad Online, my first MMORPG. It was grand in the early days when I was just a noob, I climbed the ranks and took leadership of a guild called SuddenDeath and managed an entire union. Those were fun times. We were the few, the proud, the legit! But of course there comes a time when one must move on to greater adventures, new found glories. Bots ruined the game, the game managers didn't give a shit so customer service was more than a bit lacking! Hacker's ran rampant, too many people supported gold bots and ruined the economy by buying gold. Sure I could easily have done the same but now we have a problem with server traffic. I could hardly log onto the game.

So I dared to try World of Warcraft. If you haven't heard of it, please climb out from the rock you've been hiding under for 3 years! After trying an unsatisfying plethora of free MMO's I finally realized I could only get what I wanted by paying for it. Well, after I saw how much fun my husband was having I had to join in! I'm loving it.

I love making videos for the game's I'm playing but never got the chance to make one that was really great. The only one's I ever made were for Silkroad but I aspire to make a few for WoW. Keep an eye on my youtube channel. Should be some fun stuff coming soon! :)

Youtube

brilliance

2008-03-14T19:21:00.003-04:00

Song:

http://www.dizzler.com/music/Blue_October/Violin_Solo

I've always been attracted to a sad violin but this one.. ah this one is fucking brilliant. It captures every emotion you could possibly conceive. First it starts with curiosity, a few intriguing notes and then the adventure of digging into the unknown. There is doubt, what have I gotten myself into and possibly panic or anxiety at the events, a world spinning out of control. You finally grasp the concept and make sense of whatever situation is presented to you. Now you're learning how to work it, control and motivation, a fire ignited within to tackle whatever obstacles may block your path. Oh and she sings, that violin sings a song of blissful happiness once you've found your dreams and you, so smug, indulge in them. Maybe now you're feeling proud of what you've overcome, the final note is one filled with pride and defiance... or was it defeat?

Movies:

There are several of them actually. Usually I would be talking about the books but I'm still impressed with the movies and for most people visual images make a better impression. So here we go! The first is Loverboy... NO I am not talking about that god awful movie made in 1989.. this was released in 2005, directed by Kevin Bacon ( I know! I was quite surprised as well.) Written by Hannah Shakespeare (please, I honestly hope that's her real last name, too fucking cliche!) but based on the novel by Victoria Redel (buy it!!). This movie is great, lots of well known faces but the story! That's the good meat and juice of the movie right there. This mother creates a life for her and her son, she's very intellectual and at times she becomes very psychotic in her possessiveness. It has a tragic ending, you'll see the irony in the end but its just good! There's no way to describe it and I don't want to spoil the greatness of it. Rent it ASAP!

White Oleander. Directed by Peter Kosminsky who did a fantastic job of infusing the artistic, poetic theme that the novel carries, which was written by Janet Fitch. The book is so much more involved than the movie is so once again, buy it! Screenplay by Mary Agnes Donoghue. So its about this girl raised by a single mother who is an artist and poet. She murders her boyfriend and the daughter (Astrid, funny name..) gets sent to foster homes and at one point an institution. The mother, played by Michelle Pfeiffer, she's inspiring! Once again, very intellectual and yet a little psychotic (I'm seeing a theme here lol, purely coincidence!), it's a fabulous movie about how the daughter and the mother try so hard to define themselves. It's quite a passionate movie and I adore it!

Marie Antoinette. Purely for the beauty of it. To my knowledge this movie wasn't based on one single novel but it is based on actual history of the real Marie Antoinette, France's iconic but ill-fated queen. From her betrothal and marriage to Louis XVI at 15 to her reign as queen at 19 and to the end of her reign as queen and ultimately the fall of Versailles. So who cares about the history I mean blah blah its always boring, am I right? But the movie is gorgeous! The fashion, the clothes, the music, the parties, the opera, the garden with the calla lilies.. its just simply pretty! The plot might get a little boring to some, it's a weak story line but once you watch the full movie you will understand it. The famous phrase "Let them eat cake!" is also in the movie and Sophie Coppola (Director and Writer of the film) interprets this in her own way, which I thought was great. Kirsten Dunst played the role as Marie Antoinette perfectly. The movie captures the embellishments of the queen in that era, she was an indulgent one but also a passionate one. She was so young. Could you imagine being queen of an entire kingdom at the ripe young age of 15? A fabulously beautiful movie!

Books:

Okay, I'll make this short but I can't talk about all my favorite things and not talk about a book! I love to read! Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar absolutely amazing novel about a young girl's mental instabilities and trial's of life. Some of you might have been forced to read this in school, you should be thankful! And that's all I have to say about that. Also, just because I said so, you should read her complete unabridged journals. Sylvia is truly the definition of brilliant, I have never been more inspired by any other writer. If you don't like a tragedy or depressing story, don't bother, she has her good moments in both The Bell Jar and her journals but she was better at tragic.

Mary Karr, she has two memoirs that are both equally wonderful. She has a poetic way with words so it's an easy read and I love memoirs because it's just so interesting reading someone's true stories. I often cringe at some of the things she admits because I would have been embarrassed to say such things but that's what makes it great! It's not your average "I grew up with my parents and had a sister and some friends" story. She is also a poet and has some great work, I've only read her Viper poems but they're awesome of course.

Philipa Gregory. Read her historical fictions about the court of Henry VIII, those are the best ones really. I have personally read The Virgins Lover, The Other Boleyn Girl, and The Queen's Fool. She's got some newer works out that I'm dying to purchase as well as an upcoming movie for The Other Boleyn Girl, can't wait! Once again I find myself captivated by the magic and charming beauty of that time and era. The stories are great, filled with the hopes and desires of women who crave the social status that the king's court can offer. Deception and scandals often lead to interesting plots that will keep you on the edge of your chair waiting to find out what will happen next. There is a splash of romance here and there but it's not trashy nor dripping off of every page in over abundance. Her novels provide a good read and are purely entertaining. Brilliant stuff!

rebirth

2008-03-13T00:02:00.000-04:00

The promise of spring is upon us and while I don't usually like this time of year I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm almost over my cold which seems to be an annual thing, give or take a few minor ones throughout the year. But spring.. a time for regeneration, new beginnings and rebirth. And my birthday of course but that's a couple months away lol. March always reminds me of Florida for some reason. Usually my family traveled there in June but the last time I went it was in March and every year I think about it. It's been a while and I long to go back! I need a dose of sunshine with a side of azure beaches and palm trees!

Sure mother nature has her flaws as we all do. Don't go to Florida during hurricane season! But it's so great in the summertime there. Daily afternoon thunderstorms, I love a dark booming sky! I'm only happy when it rains.. well that's from a song but I enjoy a good storm. The humidity there is unbearable to some but it's like a sweet moist kiss running down your back.

So it's a time for rebirth. Brush off that dead skin from yesterday and move forward with Godspeed and with intentions of living life with a purpose. To succeed, to achieve, maybe even just to have a goal. My father called me, he was telling me a story about one of Big Bro's friends. He saw him at the casino and wanted to get his phone number to keep in touch but neither had a pen to exchange numbers. "You'll see me again, next time". But unfortunately he passed away in a car accident. I guess my dad was calling to tell me that life is short and he wanted to make sure I was still alive.

He never called Lil Bro, but sometimes I don't even know why I still call him my brother.

my rebuttal

2008-03-12T17:59:00.002-04:00

I hate it when I can't defend myself and I have to get this out of my system.. however pointless it may seem. Do I think the right person will read it? Yea, I honestly do, not that it really matters.

Rev said it best and you know it! Why are you even lying to yourself anyway?! After the all the things you did and said back then, you were so fucking desperate and what happened because of that? You got what you deserved. So please spare the 13 year old cry baby rantings you're spreading all over the place because you want the rest of the world to feel sorry for you. Yea I hurt your feelings, guess I did more than that and really fucked you up. Oops, my bad. Maybe next time you won't beg a girl to love you, never leave you. You'll just live it, take it like a MAN. You knew what you were getting yourself into. So you converted all that pain into anger and made yourself look like a fool. I kinda giggled a little when I read everything. I still can't help myself, what's he gonna say next? Haha.. but honestly, I could have come back and equally flamed your ass but at the time, I only wanted to ignore it and move on with my life.

In fact, I must admit at how surprised I was. I never thought you had it in you to act just like the person you hated most, your daddy. The worst of it is, you could never admit that or even fucking realize it.

So here's my rebuttal: "Miss America speeches" (by the way, you should really learn how to spell, get FireFox they put fancy red lines under misspelled words).. Thanks for the compliment! I've always been proud of my way with words but you knew that already hehe. "Threw up in my mouth a little" no you didn't. Obviously you would have stopped begging by that point. Once again senseless trash talk, you're just digging for ammo to throw at me.. childish!

"Happier since that ugly part of my life is over" I doubt it, otherwise why would you be acting like this? I think it was the happiest time of your life feeling like someone loved you and cared about you and when that stopped happening you threw a temper tantrum. You're a pessimist (hey it happens to the best of us, don't be sad) you brood way too much, you expect the world to feel sorry for you, in fact you almost demand them to with your constant whining and complaining. And you dwell on all the negative things in your life, sure who doesn't but coming from a boy its just really annoying. Ya know, society has its double standards and that's just more okay for a girl than a boy, just so you know.

"Uncontrollable", I'm surprised you wrote a poem. It was alright, I didn't agree with some of the word choices but I'm not perfect either. Oh and you dare take the "my serenity/my peace" phrase from me? Tsk tsk.. but hey I'll take that as a compliment for inspiring you. I might actually post a comment on that but back to the point, I think you are angry with yourself for letting your guard down but instead of coping with that you transfer that anger towards me. I understand that, I think I do that too sometimes with people. It was a good piece and like you mentioned it helped you work out some frustration. I hope you keep writing, it's the one thing I wish everyone could do and well. You wanted me to see it, well I did.

"Looking For" you really nailed it on that one. The emotion, the message and the way it was written was nearly perfect. I won't go feeling all flattered and thinking you wrote that about me, cus we all know damn well you hate me now. But it was good. But that's the very thing that's getting you into trouble. We all want to be loved and experience all those things in that song by Colbie Caillat - Bubbly, but try not to let the desperation take over. You can't make someone love you forever, but just enjoy it while you can and if it goes downhill and you're heartbroken, salvage all the pieces of your heart and rebuild it for the next love that comes around. C'est la vie! We live and we learn and our trials and tribulations are hard no doubt, but they are what make us who we will become.

Anyway so there you have it, my own 13 year old rantings. But honestly, I did apologize and I really meant that. I never intended things to be the way they turned out. I had hoped for a civil acquaintance but clearly you did not, I understand completely. Do I regret anything? Yea some things I really do, I'd change a lot of things I did back then, doesn't matter now tho.

been a long time

2008-03-11T20:26:00.002-04:00

Time for a fresh start and a fresh new look for the ol' blog. Where have I been? Well my last post pretty much explains my absence but seeing the new changes here on blogger has brought back that glorious feeling of just sittin down, keyboard beneath my fingertips, bangin out my thoughts one by one.

I really missed it :)

I used to write a lot, journals, blogs (and by blogs I mean pretty much anywhere on the net that you can possibly post a journal entry!), my head. Yea it's the strangest thing but every night when the lights turn off and I'm tossing and turning in the bed until I find that one comfy spot! I think out a journal entry in my head. Old habit, helps me sleep, helps me get the day's thoughts out of my head so I can really rest stress free.

Time to start again. So many things have changed. My youngest brother, he's like a lump of clay and whoever his favorite person is, that's the person that shapes him. He has a new girlfriend now. She's very nice, pretty, the kind of girl who has her shit together and a part of me is a little envious of that but maybe that's why I like her so much. She's shaping Justin now, cleaned his ass up and it's about time! Dave was never any good at shaping him. Hmm, not so much has changed lol. So, Justin is doing good, new job, new look. His daughter is growing up but honestly no matter how hard I try to play the cool auntie, welcoming with a warm smile and hearty laugh and tickles and goo goo gaga.. I can't freakin do it. I'm just like my mother, she didn't like kids except her own, and even then she didn't have much of a maternal instinct. I think I would, I know I would.

I almost had the opportunity to prove to myself that I could be better than my mother and be a great one myself. It was a really great feeling to be pregnant. I don't think anyone could ever understand, but it's the wondering whether he or she will have your nose or your husband's eyes and how will they laugh as you tickle their tiny toes during something as simple as a diaper change. And what will his first words be and will he be tall or short, blue eyes or green. Yes the wondering is the best part. But even better is the knowing that you will watch this child grow with the man you love and you will both raise him and teach him and be proud of him and love him. You will share all of those experiences that you had or didn't have with your own parents. I could go on and on about the knowing and the wondering but you get my drift.

At 22 weeks the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat. It's hard to cope with those wonderings and knowings and realizing they will never be. Not this one, God bless him. Don't worry I won't go spilling tears on my keyboard today, I've accepted it. His name was Devon.

I took a page from Sandy's book and moved far far away a few months ago. But that was when the husband and I were having problems. I couldn't live without him so naturally I came back but it was definitely an experience. The city girl living in the country, was pretty scary haha. I guess I liked the idea of living in the country more than I like living it! Dirt roads and empty corn fields (it was winter) and the cold.. oh my goodness, the cold! I'm a southern girl where temperatures hardly dip below freezing and it was negative 15 degrees there! I loved the snow, we had maybe 8 inches in one night and it was gorgeous. Wasn't that thick fat snow flake that you see on tv tho, this was fine like powdered sugar but it was very windy. Either way, it still sparkled the next morning when the sun rose. I love that.

short lived dream

2008-01-21T16:24:00.001-05:00

The first ultrasound was promising. Little baby was bouncing around and all seemed well and healthy but our recent appointment was deeply devastating. The doctor could not find a heartbeat. The baby wasn't moving at all during the ultrasound, and there was no fluid in the womb. The doctor explained that these things can happen due to a chromosomal abnormality, once the baby reaches a certain point it just can't develop any further. Of course I have a million questions running through my head, could I have prevented this, did I do something wrong? Tomorrow I would have been 22 weeks.. but instead I am scheduled to go into labor and delivery where labor will be induced and baby will rest in peace.

I am still completely shocked and upset. I never noticed anything wrong, I felt normal and healthy and Chris and I were extremely happy. We never found out the sex of the baby, I'm sure we'll know tomorrow. I hope I can move on from this and that someday soon I will be a mommy again.

Originally posted on Myspace

oh baby

2007-12-12T15:25:00.004-05:00

I'm finally home where I belong, but that's not the biggest news. Monday morning I decided to confirm my suspicions and indeed I am pregnant! Most likely 3 or 4 months but because of some female issues and irregular cycles... could be more or less. Cant wait for my first ultrasound, I feel like one of those crazy people who wait until the last month to find out they're pregnant. Hopefully we have plenty of time to prepare, but we are both extremely excited! A little nervous, but so so happy :D We picked names already too, for a boy it will be Devon (haven't chosen a middle name yet lol, or a junior, and for a girl it will be Brianna Lynn. Gonna be a merry little christmas after all

Originally posted on Myspace

clarity

2007-12-01T19:50:00.002-05:00

Sometimes we get so caught up in out own minds, we lose touch with ourselves. And tho it can take quite a while to come, we need a moment of clarity to find the answers we are looking for, to find strength and guidance. I guess I found that clarity in a 6 degree chill that stung my lungs with every breath. I watched the snow fall, transforming dead grass and bare trees to a glamorous snow covered sparkle. These weren't tangible flakes of snow like those picturesque snowfalls us Southerners only see on television. The wind whipped the flakes into a powdered sugar frenzy but hours of this steady sprinkle built up an impressive accumulation.

I don't belong here and of course I miss him. Maybe we are meant for each other, like soul mates if such a thing exists. We can learn to appreciate each other more, heal each other's wounds and rebuild the life we had and will always have together.

Originally posted on Myspace

ashes & wine

2007-11-28T12:53:00.000-05:00

I watch the snow fall in a mere 6 degree chill stinging my lungs with every breath I inhale, as if in punishment for my constant living. Singing the same damn song over and over in my head.

"Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tear storming sea,
That would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same
I don't want mudslinging games
It's such a shame
To let you walk away

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance [I might change my] mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?"
-- A Fine Frenzy

Originally posted on Deviant Art

inspiration

2007-11-19T15:34:00.000-05:00

Found some in a little corner of my heart and his, tho far away it is. That rhymed . Gonna start writing again soon, but lately visual images catch and hold my attention.

Oh and I could be so sad, so unbelievably miserable right now, because I miss him. But then I think about him and I just smile. Gosh I am totally smitten!

I feel sorry for anyone who hasn't felt this way, so amazing.

Originally posted on Deviant Art

the big d

2007-09-22T18:32:00.003-04:00

Death of a relationship otherwise known as .. Divorce! For one, a heart is breaking but for the other its a relief. It's happiness in accepting a newfound freedom, doors opening after being knocked on by the infamous opportunity. I look forward to new beginnings and say goodbye to beginnings past.

Originally posted on Myspace

forever

2007-04-23T15:43:00.000-04:00

If I could stand by you forever and we could live in this
moment I would find true happiness.

And if I could gaze into your eyes, lost in your adoring stare
I would find paradise.

And in my heart, I yearn for your smile and your touch,
a tender kiss and sweet embraces filled with love.

And nothing could take you away from me as long as I find
heaven in your arms.

Baby I couldn't breakaway, if maybe I could find a way to
steal you from the world.

If only we could co-exist, I'd never have to shed another
tear of loneliness.

No one could make me happier, filled with laughter for you
will always be the king of my heart,

forever.

Originally posted on Deviant Art

sweeter moments

2007-04-15T15:47:00.000-04:00

He breathes life, radiates light,
while I bathe in shade but shadows fade at his command.

He smooth talks while I dance a walk around him,
Treading softly on each other's thoughts.

We conversed with ease and I dared to linger
Hanging onto every word like a summer breeze.

He showers laughter and mornings after
I, still smitten, indulge in fruit forbidden.

And his affection, burning with perfection
could never cease to arouse my attention.

No sweeter moments exist than those stolen with you
And cherish them I do.

Originally posted on Deviant Art

o_O

2007-04-13T15:43:00.001-04:00

Since when have I ever been afraid to show my emotion through writing.... It's kind of my purpose for writing.

Another day and only one more word, a passing thought quickly eclipsed by fear of vulnerability. Ugh, I need a hard slap and a "just spit it out already!"

Originally posted on Deviant Art

possibly inconceivable

2006-10-17T16:10:00.000-04:00

Could this really ever happen... remove life from slums, plop our asses in fucking suburbia? Sure we aren't ready to actually buy the white picket fence and two car garage but renting with the option to buy would be perfect right now. And the husband agrees! The stars must be perfectly aligned tonight, though masked behind thick and soggy clouds. But there is only a glimmer of hope until we are drowned in paperwork dripping legal terms and jargony nonsense where shall the tears of frustration fall and dreams crash from the heavens. It is only a matter of time before disappointments are realized and suicidal thoughts creep in. Not seriously of course. Damn, why can't I be optimistic for once, but optimism is just a setup for the pessimistic outcome. Oh how I dream that my dreams come true...

Originally posted on Myspace

remember yesterday

2006-09-11T08:51:00.002-04:00

Today we remember events that were once beyond belief, events so tragic I can barely wrap my heart around them. Five years ago today I was on my usual commute to school (TCC) and listening to the radio. To be honest I can't even remember what station was playing, I'm sure it was a good song and it just cut off halfway through, I was disappointed. But a breaking news broadcast was made about the first plane that hit Tower 1 of the World Trade Center. Honestly, I thought they were talking about the World Trade Center in downtown Norfolk. I knew nothing about a WTC in New York! I hate when I feel stupid. But eventually I realized they were talking about New York. I expected any minute for the station to return to regular programming.

I was just about to make that left turn into the school parking lot, the light turned yellow, damn. I didn't have enough time to make it through so I stopped. I listened to the radio broadcasters as they began describing the scene as they saw it on television. I was impatient and didnt want to hear a boring news story, I changed the station to a morning talkshow I liked. It was the same story only this time, a second plane had crashed into Tower 2 of the World Trade Center. It was a woman on the radio, she all but screamed, yelling "Oh my god, this is unreal, oh my god!" And thats when I felt it, I heard it in her voice, fear.

I didn't know what to think but I knew something was terribly wrong. How in the hell do two airplanes crash into two separate buildings standing directly next to each other? A horn blew, the light was green. I hesitated still, a million thoughts racing through my mind like what if I am unsafe? I snapped back to reality and drove, tried to put any negative thoughts out of my mind and focus on the day ahead... economics class, oh booooy!

But classes were quickly cancelled as panic sweapt the nation and rumors spread of a terrorist attack. I listened to that radio station all the way home, not thinking, not realizing I was driving but just listening and somehow navigating my way home unconsciously. I walked through my door, kicked my shoes off in the middle of my living room and just plopped on the couch and turned on the tele. I didn't even call my boyfriend to let him know I was home. I stared in absolute shock and horror at the Pentagon also in flames, struck by an aircraft as well. I stared at the footage replayed over and over again of the second plane hitting the WTC. I watched the faces of thousands of ordinary people on what should have been an ordinary day turn from genuine concern and shock, to panic and fear as the second explosion rocked NYC.

I was in total disbelief, because I was so naive. My only thoguhts were HOW? We are the goddamned U.S. of A, fucking rich and powerful. Terrorist attacks on American soil were inconceivable, fucking unimaginable! Boy did I learn.

Originally posted on Myspace

a new low

2006-05-22T08:01:00.000-04:00

I've succumbed to the ever decreasing standards of [x]MySpace[x]! I'm freakin bored man!

rosemary dillard is a dumbass!!

2006-05-04T08:57:00.000-04:00

Wow, I actually watched the news and there is sooooooo much to talk about! First of all - the Moussaoui case. If anyone is unfamiliar with it, I'll explain what I know. Zacarias Moussaoui located to the U.S. in early 2001 to begin training at various flight schools. He failed at getting his license and before the 9/11 attacks took place he was arrested on immigration charges. Now I'm assuming he wasn't released and the feds kept him in custody because after 9/11 he was moved to New York and charged with conspiracy regarding the 9/11 attacks. So he finally had his trial and was sentenced to life.

Now, my point for explaining all of this is so that you will understand why I say Rosemary Dillard is a dumbass. Rosemary Dillard's husband died in the 9/11 attacks and was quoted by the press. She said of Moussaoui "He's a bad man, but we have a fair society." Uh yes Moussaoui is a bad man duh! But whatever, that's not what got me going on this anyway. But Rosemary's next statement totally floored me, she also said of terrorists in general "We will treat them with respect no matter what they do to us."

Whoa, whoa whoa, hold the phone a damn minute! Anyone who conspires to or actually intentionally physically harms or kills another human being deserves no respect. But that's just my personal opinion. I mean, maybe I should give props to Rosemary because she's a stronger person than I am. Maybe she just wants to seem like the better person to the public's eye, but I know, I just know that somewhere deep down inside her happy little simple minded soul, she hates that man, and any other man who took part in taking the life of thousands of innocent people including her husband! I sure the hell would.

And there's all this controversy about this case, half the U.S. wanted to see this man die, and the other half of the U.S. is happy with the simple outcome that he's guilty and is now serving a life sentence. And bless America, because a lot of people are so passionate about their opinions. I love that, but getting back to my point, I think the people who disagree, need to listen to the news and understand why he was not sentenced to death. The simple fact is, our justice system won't allow it. Now, I don't know every minute detail of the case, but I know enough to say that he was given a fair trial, evidence was presented in front of a jury and a judge, lawyers gave statements, witnesses testified... The case proceeded as it should have. But Moussaoui only conspired to take part in 9/11, there was much planning on his part to be involved with these attacks, but he did not take part. He did not fly a plane into a landmark building killing thousands of innocent people. And that is the key to the outcome of his trial. And besides, he was willing to kill himself as a result of completing his mission so why should we give him what he ultimately wants anyway. Probably the worst punishment for him is to rot in prison.

Ironically, the only comment given to the press by Mr. Prez about the verdict was that it "represents the end of this case but not the end to the fight against terror." How vague is that?? I think Mr. Prez is a dumbass too, but fuck it, it's a lost cause.

9ine days

2006-05-02T16:34:00.000-04:00

Nine, boring unimaginative days.... long, prolonged, longed. Most birthday's suck, but this year, I will drink more than you, party harder than you 'til I'm so so sick! Where did the fun go? Oh baby its comin back, I promise. No more unimaginative days long or prolonged or longed for.. no more I say! I'll live a life of sin, I don't give a damn, I'll make my own rules and do what I want, cus I can!

Yea right, do you actually fucking believe me???

dirty little secret

2006-04-08T00:50:00.000-04:00

I woke up late this morning but decided it would be a good day, no stress. The hubby hopped in the driver's seat which usually irritates me because he drives worse than any grandmother I know! (We work together, hence the driving together part) But I just ignored it and stared at the sky which hadn't decided whether to be cloudy or sunny. At least it was warm, that is until the ice blue lights of a police officer sparkled across the rear-view. Shit, I'm actually glad I wasn't driving, I kind of chuckled to myself as we obediently pulled to the side of the road. The officer had a monotone voice, he didn't even ask for the vehicle's registration, just the license, but hey, that's one less thing we've got to spend five minutes looking for. As the officer writes the ticket I ask Chris how fast he was going, because like I said, he's fuckin slow mostly... So he says he thinks he was going about 50 (speed limit was 45) no big deal, I guess the pig just wanted to be a dick. So he returns with the ticket, all mono-toned and lazy-eyed like he forgot to take his anti-depressants that morning. "Sir I got you on radar going 58 in a 45, you have until the court date, which is August 9th to pay the ticket, the phone number is listed here if you have any questions blah blah blah..."

FIFTY FUCKING EIGHT???? Now this just isn't true because like a said, Chris is slow and did I mention we were coming up a hill, where the pig was sitting at the very top and he practically had his lights on before we even passed him and we slowed down because of the aforementioned hill and the presence of the god damned pig!! So, determined as I was to have a beautiful peachy morning, I asked the little boring piggy in the politest voice I could possibly summon "excuse me officer but how exactly does that radar work?" He flat out ignored me like not only was he a mono-toned, lazy-eyed, desperately in need of anti-depressants, but this fucker was actually deaf on top of all that! Ok, so now I'm just getting agitated, he talks to Chris some more about his heroic feat of the day, passing out speeding tickets and keeping the whole world safe. When he paused briefly I cut in and asked my question again in a little louder voice this time. He ignored me again! Oooooohhh bad bad bad mistake. Just ask Chris how damaging it can be when I'm ignored. I fucking hate it. So he bids good day to Chris and walks back to his car, and at this point I turned into a raving lunatic. "Oh HELL no!" I screamed. I guess it got Mr. Pig's attention because he came to a halt mid-stride and half way to his vehicle he turned around and came back to the window, "Do you have something to say to me?" I says "I have been trying to ask you a question for the past three minutes and I have never been so rudely ignored by a respected official in my life!" I almost choked on these words as the adrenaline rushed through me so fast I could hardly breathe. I dared that asshole to tell me I had a problem with authority because I would have loved to have told him that I sure the hell didn't and if he took a long hard look into that shiny mirror we got on the side of our pretty blue car he would find somebody who did have a problem with authority... HIMSELF! So he stammered something about some fancy antennae he's got and mentions that his business was with the driver of the car. Now that's where all men go wrong! So I just thought I would do him a favor and let him in on a little secret, "With all due respect Mr. Officer, I am the wife of the driver which means there are two people driving this here vehicle."

almost tropical

2006-03-30T10:19:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately I've returned from the closest thing to a tropical vacation I've ever had. West Palm Beach, Florida. I loved it! Palm trees splashed the horizon with every shade of vivid green. The moment we arrived I wanted nothing but the bleached white sand tickling my back while frothy aquamarine waves splashed at my feet. It was warm and beautiful, moist like a hot damp towel wrapped around my entire body. The sun was a fierce burning ball of heat licking every inch of exposed skin, my own fair skin blushing at the intimacy between the sun and I. It was inspiring, it was refreshing. Every nerve under my pink skin tingled from head to toe with sheer pleasure. It was a delight that I yearn to go back to one day soon and I will.

family dysfunctional

2006-03-17T08:33:00.000-05:00

My mother calls me out of the blue the other day, I was pretty surprised. She says we have issues to work out. I agreed and then she invites me to Florida. She was going to fly down by herself but decided this was an opportunity for her and I to bond again, so we're driving to lovely West Palm Beach. We have family there, but her parents are going out of town and we're house sitting for them. They have an awesome house, and I miss Florida. So I hope the trip is fun. I need a vacation! I always say that too but, I really mean I need a vacation from the hubby. We've been pickin' at each other to death lately and being gone for a week will certainly relieve some stress between us.

On Wednesday I realized I hadn't talked to Big Bro in a few days, since his birthday actually, which was on the 6th. I can't get through on his cell phone, his voice mail was full so I couldn't leave a message. So I called Grandpa, he and Big Bro talk every single day, and what I don't know, Grandpa always knows! Turns out Big Bro scored some jail time when the police showed up at the bar he was currently getting trashed at. It could have been a quiet evening had he not gotten into a fist fight with the officer. And to top it all off, the story is all over the front page of the newspaper (it's a microscopic township he lives in, they get excited easily!) . So Big Bro got thrown in the slammer, tries to make a collect phone call to Grandpa for bail money but his cell phone doesn't allow collect calls to come through (it's the only number he knew by heart). Somehow Grandpa got word that he was in there and wired some money to my dad to bail him out, dad agrees but a few more days go by and Big Bro is still stuck in jail.

So that's when all the drama started. I always compare my family to my husband's family because it's the only other family I have an inside look at. And although their family isn't perfect, it damn sure seems that way compared to mine. We are so dysfunctional, our family portrait is published next to that word in the dictionary!

So Grandpa had a minor heart attack the other night because of all this stress, he worries so much. He tries so hard to keep us together but he can't handle this all by himself, and why should we expect him to?

the wagging tongues

2006-03-16T11:20:00.000-05:00

This post is dedicated to all the corporate big wig fuckers who treat secretaries like servants and sometimes whores. What goes around comes around, a little thing myself and A. Keys like to call karma! In previous posts I've mentioned that the company I work for was bought out by another. Obviously, 2 presidents aren't necessary so our former president has resigned. As a result of his resignation, a few gals in the corporate office decided to air his dirty laundry to his wife, now that there could be no consequence (what a shame to have to just live with something like that because of the consequences). I'm dragging on, don't worry I'm getting to the good stuff.

Mr. President's wife sent an e-mail from her husband's corporate account to each and every individual who has an e-mail with the company! To: All Locations and Associates the subject, "Thank You". I'm expecting this to be the official announcement of Mr. President's resignation, and it being from Mr. President himself (who probably doesn't even know how to operate Microsoft Outlook!) made the message seem pretty important or at least a little intriguing. It turns out the e-mail was from his wife and I will post it for all the world to see, with names removed (that whole consequences thing... it's a bitch).

For nine years, each of you has been more than good to me as I served as Mr.
President's “first lady” of Company Name. I enjoyed planning the spousal social
events, writing for the Company Name newsletter, and meeting and sharing family and work time with each of you. Now that my husband is no longer President and COO of the company, I want to thank you one last time for all of the kindness you have shown to me.

Since the letters and photographs I received recently from the Norfolk office (stating “how much talk is going on here at the Norfolk office and other places about the women Mr. President hasbeen to bed with and many he tried to sleep with” ) were unsigned, I have no idea who specifically to thank, so I will just hope that he or she reads this email and knows how much I appreciate you letting me know that Mr.
President was having numerous affairs behind my back while we were very much living our married life.

I had no idea that Mr. President would break our wedding vows and invite numerous female employees to his room for sex while at events such as Mr. Co-Worker’s Myrtle Beach meeting in January and Mr. Co-Worker's dinner on March 14, as well as others, as mentioned in the letters I received. Mr. President always made his
business trips seem authentic. Just last week, he explained to Co-Worker and me
how his meeting with Co-worker and Co-Worker would benefit both Sister Company and Company Name. He even called me while at the bar to tell me how well the meeting with Co-Worker was going, when in reality he was headed
to a hotel room with a Company Name business manager.

Thanks to someone or several people who know right from wrong, I received information which opened my eyes to the fact that Mr. President, this man with no morals, no integrity, and no self control, was committing adultery. I have now begun
divorce proceedings against Mr. President on these grounds. Since the tone of the letters seems to indicate to me that some Company Name associates want me to know of Mr. President’s infidelities, I hope that anyone who has any additional information about any similar incidents will offer this information to my lawyer, Mrs. Lawyer, at Lawyer and Lawyer Firm, or through email.

Since I will probably never see any of you again, I want to wish you well whether you stay with New Company Name or start a new professional adventure…and to that one special person(s) who saved me from living a life of sin, deception, and STDs, know that I will always be grateful. If you had not sent me the letters and photographs, then I still would not know the “real” lying, cheating Mr. President.

Well damn! Talk about puttin that poor man to shame. He probably deserved it, haha. I love a good scandal.

oh boy, boy, boy

2006-03-03T09:03:00.000-05:00

A new month already, time flies when life becomes so dull that each day blends with the next. This week I bought a book about an FBI agent (Donnie Brasco) undercover in the mafia during the 60's or 70's, it's sad that it's the only thing I'm looking forward to this weekend. Sure we have plans with lil bro to celebrate his birthday (22nd) but he's turned into the exact replica of the one person I truly and passionately dislike. It saddens me that he doesn't have the strength to be himself, that he must emulate his so called "role model" in order to feel happy, the poor kid deosn't even know how much he's changed. But because of this, I want to be a stronger person, I am comfortable with myself, I don't need to fit in quite as badly as he does I guess. Of course I'll shake my head behind his back, "look what happened to him", I'll think to myself, but I realize there's nothing that can bring the real him back out. So what now? Am I supposed to walk on eggshells around him, because every minscule thing I say or do becomes over analyzed and dwelled on by these people? Should I hold my tongue around him, play it safe, sacrifice my opinions, my personality, my traits and characteristics and all that fucking jazz that makes me ME? Why the hell should I bother to spend an entire evening with this boy if I can't even enjoy myself? I am a fighter, I am strong, it is extremely uneasy for me to back down or play it safe no matter how smart it may seem to control myself just to make the night a little more pleasureable for all of us.

Perhaps, I'm fooling myself here. I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. So screw it, we'll go shoot pool, drink a few drinks and just hang out, talk about cars, the baby, the god damned weather. Nothing serious.

People keep fucking up, better yet, maybe I'm the one who's fucked up. I'm loosing my confidents left and right, pretty soon I'll be locked up in a padded room wearing the most uncomfortable matching white jacket, just sobbing or screaming.

ai's cream of the crop

2006-02-21T10:30:00.000-05:00

Oh my, I'm neglecting my blog again! Ummmmm, where do I start? Well, I still have a job (for now), we still know nothing about the takeover so that could be bad news or good news, I interpret this as them stalling until busy season is over when it hurts less to make the cuts, ultimately its bad news.

American Idol is back and kickin ass! I'm sometimes embarassed at how entusiastic I am about the show, I usually don't get into tv that much. The auditions were better than last year it seems, so many stupid people who really can't sing at all got slashed by Simon, it's great! So just to highlight my favorite parts of the season so far, I think it's worth commenting on that fake paris hilton bitch with the horrible tan! Her name was Crystal and I mean she was the perfect example of what Pink was singing about in her new song Stupid Girl, and actually she looked like she just walked out of her video!

Then there was "The Incredible Hulk's Wife" as dubbed by Simon. This dude was freakin hilarious, okay I feel a little bad for joking but he should be happy to have given me a good laugh after such a hard day's work. So this kid is all decked out in a green t-shirt, black and green striped hair, and about 3 pounds of makeup. He can't sing worth a lick but when Simon called him The Incredible Hulk's Wife, I literally sprayed my Coke all over the living room from laughing so hard and unexpectedly. Good thing my dogs love Coke, it was quite a mess.

I've got to find some pictures to go with my comments, you have to see these people, it scares me that they actually exist and are completely serious with themselves!! What is wrong with them! I'll just pretend they were all born next to some nuclear power plant and suffered brain damage just so I can get on with my life and stop worrying about these poor souls! I will have pictures soon!

[x] Update 02.21.2006 3:19 p.m. [x]
Crystal Parizanski
Visit this link for all the juice on Crystal Parizanski, there's pics, her audition video (so funny, you have to see this!) and even a link to her myspace page! Maybe I'll drop by and say hi.... ugh what am I thinking, she might be contageous! More coming soon on the Hulk's wife, hahahaha!

f * ing peachy

2006-02-08T10:40:00.000-05:00

I've been a blogger for officially one year now, so happy anniversary to me. I'm losing focus though, but I am surprised I've come this far. It's so hard for me to make a commitment to anything except to a tv show, pathetic, I know. Nothing is happening lately!! I'm usually surrounded by drama, but lately I've been such a homebody, I've isolated myself from the world. I haven't talked with my mother since Emily was born, I'm just waiting for her to call me... not holding my breath, mind you.

I'm planning a vacation to visit my family up north, using the tax refund which is shitty but enough. I should be a little more conservative, however, a canadian corporation has bought out my company and that could be bad news. I'm cursed when it comes to employment, first there was babysitting for a navy family who transferred out of state, then Montgomer Wards who went under, then there was Coastal Vocational who thought they were going under, relieved me in a panic, and then made a complete turn around. Now Royster Clark is being bought out.

My horoscope mentions something about a career change and/or furthering my education. Once again art school is popping around in my head but that's almost completely out of the question. I've looked into becomming a transcriptionist through a school called m-tec, and eventually working from home... that would be so nice, but there is no way in hell I could qualify for a student loan, well I really don't know anything about them so I should just try.

But enough about me! Big Bro got into an accident, he drove his truck on the ice up north and fell through, 911 refused to send help and to add insult to injury the tow company fucked up his ride! We are walking nightmares, perfect examples of Murphey's Law which says what can go wrong will go wrong. Big Bro is alright, thankfully, and he's looking into a lawsuit against the 911 center. Hopefully all goes well.

Other than that, life is fucking peachy as usual.

profilin is wrong

2006-01-10T07:23:00.000-05:00

If I could shy away from this hateful world I would disconnect myself forever. But always, that feeling of neediness creeps deep into my bones and rests, while prohibiting the realization of my dream to become solely independent. It's hard to tell yourself what not to feel, what not to think as easily as pushing away a warm coke or soggy cereal. And even if I were to become what I want, I would no longer want it. Big Bro and I had a conversation about this last night. It always amazes me when we think alike or have the same tendencies. It's hard for him to be pleased, to be satisfied with the simple things. There's always something we want but most of the time we can't quite put our finger on it but when we do, and we've gotten whatever it was, it's easily forgotten and we move on to the next thing. So finally, I have someone to relate to about my insatiable appetite. How lovely.

Big Bro related another story to me last night. And if you don't know who Ron White is then, too bad, you'll just miss the point on this. Well, he was drunk in a bar one night (what else is new!) and when he walked outside to leave he noticed a policeman parked across the street with only his parking lights on. So he walks over to the cop, totally trashed, and says to the cop "you're profilin', and profilin' is wroooong!" Only he would have the balls to do something like that, and only he would be lucky enough not to have provoked the policeman to kindly escort his drunk ass to jail, or some other equivalent consequence. Actually, it turns out that he got not one but two DUI's within two weeks of each other. So now my grandfather (who, I recently found out, was a navy judge!) is going along to court with him and his attorney to hopefully provide assistance. So I guess he's not that lucky.

irresolutions

2006-01-09T07:42:00.000-05:00

The first week of the year has passed, not slowly but not quickly either. My weekend was filled with house chores, television and sewing. I've yet to finish one damn project I've ever started. So this is how I kick off the new year, doubting that I will ever save enough money to satisfy my new year's resolution of redecorating my kitchen, complete with new appliances. I know for certain that I will never finish my many sewing projects, writing projects, painting projects, scrapbooking projects and just about any other project that I'm unable to think of at the moment.

So while I sat their staring into space pondering new year's resolutions, needle stuck between my closed lips and a spool of thread clutched between my fingers, I decided that I would do just the opposite of what any normal person would do for new year's. Instead of resolution's to do, I will have resolutions to do not!

* I will not call my mother for any reason whatsoever! She's just gonna have to learn to use a damn telephone herself, if she wants to just talk. And if she calls me with a request - sorry we're closed for lunch.

* I will not even try to quit smoking! I don't care what kind of damage it is doing to me now, or what kind of damage it could do to me later, and I don't care if I have to spend $5 on a pack. It's just way too stressful to try and quit and besides I would gain another 30 pounds or so and I just can't let that happen. Fucking shoot me for stinkin up my own breath and my own car and my own house!

* I will not finish any project, because a finished project is no longer open to opportunity and I'll never run out of things to do.

* I will not go to the same boring vacation spots, I will travel to new and exciting places where adventure awaits and beautiful memories are born.

I'm beginning to think that no resolutions are better than creating meaningless guidelines and expectations. But it's a tradition and we all need to be proud of ourselves just for accomplishing something no matter how pointless it really is.

I'm hooked on the Lemony Snicket books, which are screaming my name at the moment. Goodbye keyboard mouse computer screen!

fuck off

2006-01-05T10:25:00.000-05:00

Thoughts echo in my mind this morning. I haven't had any coffee, it's hard to get focused. I've been staring at this computer screen blankly blinking my eyes in a zomibe-like state. What to do, what to say, what to write....? I left off yesterday wanting to write about my family history, but everyone who reads this blog knows me and my family, it seems pointless. So I'll sum it up in a few words: my mother's boyfriend is arrogant, controlling, conniving and talks a lot of B.S. without backin it up! Don't get me wrong, he can be friendly when you're not on his bad side (which is rare), and he did pay a lot for my wedding, but that doesn't mean I should love him as a father. Why does he feel he has to go out of his way just to prove himself?? Obviously, he wants the world to think he's a great man, but no one is perfect and I hate to say it but he is far from perfection himself.

Now my biological father is the same way as my mother, very passive aggressive. He doesn't try to keep in touch with his kids and he sometimes forgets to send Christmas cards and birthday cards, etc. But I don't really know him well enough to describe him to a T. He's opening up a brewery this spring which I think is really cool. The point is, he's always been mostly pleasant with us when we've talked or visited him and he just hasn't done anything to make any of us hate him. So I honestly don't understand why Lil Bro dislikes him so much.

How can Lil Bro think of my mother's boyfriend (Dave) as such a wonderful father figure when he has clearly ripped us off several times!!!!! Dave financed a computer through Dell using my name and social security number without my knowing and never paid the bill. Dave persuaded my mother to claim me as a dependant on her taxes one year after I moved out, which would have screwed me out of a refund if I hadn't found out about it. Dave convinced Lil Bro to deposit his inheritance money into his bank account as a sort of savings plan but Dave stole the money to purchase a new vehicle. Dave employs Lil Bro as an Electrician's Helper paying him $6 per hour in the form of cash-under-the-table while he's living on his own to support his Baby and his Baby's Mama and while Dave claims to be skilled with money management his utilities are being turned on and off like a frequently used light switch. Oh but Mr fucking Dave knows how to trick the utility workers so that when his water or electricity gets shut off, he can turn it back on without them knowing. Dave is a smooth talkin son of a bitch who thinks he can get whatever the hell he wants whenever the hell he wants it. He is certainly no father figure, but most certainly a low, dirty, piece of shit!

And that's all I have to say about that!

1 step forward, 2 steps back

2006-01-03T08:35:00.000-05:00

I am pleased to start the new year as a proud aunt again. I'm sure you remember the mention of Lil Bro's pregnant girlfriend and it just so happens that she gave birth at 2:19 am on 01/01/06. She was the first baby born in Chesapeake, Virginia! And while I thought our family was welcoming a new member, we were actually actually loosing two. I went to the hospital to visit baby Emily, and making casual conversation (it was just Chris and I visiting at the time) I asked Lil Bro's Baby's Mama what Emily's last name would be because they aren't married. To my utter shock and surprise Lil Bro has changed his last name to that of my mother's boyfriend!!! My mother isn't even married to this man, although they've been living together for 6 years and are engaged. So Lil Bro has forced his Baby's Mama to use that last name on Emily's birth certificate as well even though his Baby's Mama disagreed. That just goes to show how much of an ass he really is. Sure we don't have much of a relationship with our biological father, but that doesn't mean that we don't have a relationship with any one else on his side of the family. How would my grandfather feel about this, he is so proud of our family and now we are divided once again.

But Lil Bro's name change took place some time ago without my knowledge. Apparently he didn't want me to know because he's so much of a coward and a pussy to defend himself against my questioning his motives. What a fucking idiot! Unfortunately I must think of this as loosing a family member, maybe two. Lil Bro is no longer my brother, he's just a god damned friend of the family. So I guess that means I'm not a proud aunt again...

I feel the need to provide you with some history regarding the family, but unfortunately, I'm exhausted after waking up at 6 am for the first time in 2 weeks.

dream of new york

2005-12-20T13:38:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure why around this time of year I think of New York. Maybe it's the thought of the Rockefeller Center, with it's splendid Christmas Tree, or the New Year's ball dropping in Times Square or the picturesque scene with all the beauiful snow-covered architecture. I would love to do my holiday shopping at Macy's. Join the playful crowds in the outdoor ice skating rinks, stop at a corner stand for a cup of hot chocolate. I dream of faraway places while safely sitting in front of my computer without the worry of being physically away from home. I'm not too scared to travel, don't get me wrong. It's just easier to dream than to convince the husband that it would be fun, save up the money all year, find a decent hotel and flight arrangement... vacations are so complicated. It's why we much prefer the weekend getaways to the Outerbanks, only a two hour drive, an oceanfront room in the fall runs less than $100 a night and the weather is usually still nice. But I suppose that's the problem, it's all so safe, no risk at all, and the same boring familiarity. I will have my New York trip one day. A mysterious attraction to it will tug at my bones hard enough eventually.

New York isn't the only destination I long to travel to. I want a European getaway and a Jamaican adventure too. But that can wait until we become more financially secure and able. Or whenever I convince the hubby... could be years from now, who knows.

oh tragic life

2005-12-18T12:55:00.000-05:00

"We only begin to live when we conceive life as tragedy..." W. B. Yeats

Another week of fighting has left me exhausted. We are young and I expect our lives to play out like a cute and perfect romance movie. Why can I not set my expactations so high? How can I accept the disappointments, move on and hope that one day they will be redeemed through years of joy and happiness? But I feel our future holds miserable arguments over the same damn issues. They say time heals... but I don't think thats true at all. He says he's sorry, we have a night of unbelievable sex and the next morning we smile and cuddle until the ringing clocks become unbearable. And then all is forgotten, the cycle repeats itself eventually.

Big Bro skipped out on his flight to VA. Im pissed. My family sure knows how to fuck things up. I was really looking forward to his visit. We are the closest in our family. But my mom is stupid, a deadbeat just like my sperm donor father, and Lil Bro is just so forceful. I guess he put too much pressure on Big Bro about coming down for 2 weeks with his daughter and no job to provide the monetary comforts we all would like to prepare and enjoy our vacations. The only thing mom bitched about was the money but then eventually she just didn't care, as usual.

And so life is tragic, maybe because there is no such thing as perfection, or that there is always a downfall. I hate myself for being pessimistic, especially during the holidays when I'm usually as happy as a kid waiting for Santa. I love Christmas, and I love shopping, the giving is the best part for me, maybe because I need to feel good about my thoughtful caring way of picking out a really nice gift. But I love getting gifts just as much, of course you should know by now how disgustingly materialistic I am at times. I hate myself for it. But isn't that what this great country has tought me? Brainwashed me into thinking that money buys stuff, and more money and more stuff equals a greater social status that most of us spend our entire lives trying to achieve. The american dream... fucking millionaire status!

obssessive compulsive

2005-12-09T23:53:00.000-05:00

I've just realized I'm obssessive compulsive. Well, I guess I have known I was o.c. to a small extent. In my pen holder at work, I have 3 pencils, 3 black sharpies, 3 red sharpies, 3 blue pens and 3 black pens. Now, while christmas shopping, I subconsciously stuck with the power of three again... I was just wrapping the presents and noticed, I had 3 presents for Lil Bro, 3 presents for Lil Bro's Baby's Mama, 3 presents for my mother, and 3 presents for my stepdad. I feel that things need to be symmetrical to have a sense of organization, this I've known, but what's up with 3?

In other news, Big Bro is comin' down south for the winter with his daughter. So that's really great, but I just know there's going to be some tension between him and Lil Bro... Lil Bro is an arrogant jackass who thinks he has all the answers to the world's questions. Really he's just young and stupid with an ego the size of Texas. Big Bro has a problem with authority and the worst temper I've ever known. It's actually quite dangerous.

The red river flows again (sorry boys, time for girl talk)! It's been dry for five months, I knew I wasn't pregnant, but it's never been that long. Thank god I don't have to be pregnant with the drama queens, not that I'm really trying to anyway. What a shame, getting knocked up for all the wrong reasons and in a few years you'll be on welfare, still chasin after that deadbeat baby's daddy (who probably still lives with mommy) for a few measly headaches rather than the desired child support check. Who knows, I could be all wrong and this just might be your fairy tale ever after.

We were supposed to have a chance for snow today, it just rained! But the season has just started, in fact it's not even winter yet. Cross your fingers!

the soldado (soldier)

2005-12-05T22:03:00.000-05:00

He has the kindest heart a man could have, though strong at will. We had a lovely chat this evening, inspiring. The Story of the Soldado, I'll call it. It began in the 1980's when a civil war broke out in El Salvador after an Archbishop was assassinated. My father in law recounted a memory of his war days in the El Salvadoran war. He and a comrade were crouched low in the brush, rifles at the ready, eyes scanning the horizon for any sign of the enemy. He felt a bullet graze through his hair, so he reached for the radio he carried on his back, gave the mic to his comrade to report the activity, but his comrade poked his head over the brush to get a view of their assailant. The comrade took five bullets to his neck causing his head to fall back, partially decapitated. The last word the comrade managed to gargle through his bloody throat was "Vega", my father in law's last name. He attached two grenades on the comrade's deceased body as he was trained to do, one on the right arm and the other on the left leg. As he ran for cover, he never looked back when he heard the double explosion. My father in law stayed in that brush all day while shots fired all around him, grenades exploded spontaneously here and there, and other frantic soldado's rushed about. He remained miraculously unharmed and when a truck drove up to gather the deceased, he helped carry the unfortunates to the truck with deference and without hesitation. By the end of this task he was covered with blood, dirt and sweat. As he rested on the hard ground, he was so overwhelmed with thirst that he took a handful of mud to squeeze the water out onto his lips just for the wetness of it.

All I could think of was how barbaric and tragic this anecdote was. It has simply inspired me to probe for more information, more details, more tales from the war days. But 20 years later my father in law suffers from post traumatic stress syndrome, I wouldn't pressure him unless in a gentle way, perhaps in small doses, maybe even not at all. This could make for some worthy writing material. Doesn't that sound just terrible?!

happy birthday baby

2005-11-27T23:22:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday baby!! I'm not sure if you ever read this but I've shown it to you a million times. We've celebrated your birthday seven times together, it seems like yesterday we went to Joe's Crab Shack when you turned 21 and I promised not to say anything to waitress about your birthday, you ordered a drink and she ID'd you and what a surprise, you got an embarassing restaurant birthday song sung to you and then they made you wear some crazy helicopter hat and run around the restaurant... I can't believe you actually did that! Hahaha. I remember another time, waking you up in the middle of the night because I just couldn't wait for you to open your present. I can't remember what it was, but I think I was more excited about it than you were. I always wanted to throw you a party but you were never the party type so we always go to your mom's for cake instead. It's okay though, I'm not complaining.

I guess this year topped them all, sitting against the exterior wall of Circuit City for the laptop of your dreams. It was worth it, and it was fun trying to pass the time with the porable DVD player and Brenda chatting away about the world's gossip.

Oh but next year, next year.. what will we do next year?

I love you.

mad black friday

2005-11-25T16:20:00.000-05:00

I have officially joined the madness of black Friday. I've lost my fucking mind!!! 8pm Thanksgiving day we set up camp in front of Circuit City to stand in line for the 5 o'clock a.m. opening on Friday morning. Me, Chris and his aunt bundled up in layers of clothes, coats and blankets to brave 9 hours in the 30 degree cold. What was the prized item? A $200 laptop I bought for Chris for his birthday. He's been wanting one forever, even tried to buy a few cheap ones from E-bay but that was a freakin disaster! So now that I've napped and ate breakfast and warmed the chill off my bones I'm playing with the new toy! I am never ever ever doing that again, unless.....

apparition

2005-11-06T20:20:00.000-05:00

In light of the halloween spirit I've created a ghostly image, "The Apparition". Even though it's been a week since, I've become addicted to yet another haunting show called Ghost Hunters. They take a more honest approach it seems, and some things are just freakin insane! Check out the website and all the extras [x]here[x] Though it's amazing, I try not to believe everything. I am a skeptic, don't get me wrong, I've never had a paranormal experience (nor do I really care to), but I do believe that there is something out there. The very first episode from the Ghost Hunters' first season captured some interesting "ghostly" voices saying "they don't want us here". Could you imagine finding something like this in your own home, even though it's not potentially harmful it would scare the living hell out of me... I know I shouldn't be afraid, and no matter how much I would tell myself it's just an unexplained phenomenon, I would be helpless, losing my breath, eyes wide with fright, adrenaline pumping through my veins, jumping at every faint sound or slight movement. I'm completely fascinated by it all, hoping that one day the Ghost Hunters crew will find that damning piece of evidence that can only prove that paranormal activity exists. So far it's not been all that impressive, but rather quite strange.

all hallow's eve

2005-11-01T08:17:00.000-05:00

I remember being a kid and treking around the neighborhood in some cheesey costume and all for several pounds of sugar that could rot my teeth right out of my head. It was fun! And I was always too scared to go to that guy's house. You know, the one with front yard done up like haunted house, tombstones and scarecrows scattered about over a yard of hay and pumpkins blinking harmlessly. But he always had a chainsaw and that would just about scare me to death. I wasn't a risk-taker in the early days (still not) and there was no way on a cold day in hell I would step one toe into that guy's yard.

So now that I'm grown, I have a whole new perception of things (unfortunately). Nothing is all fairy tales and playground euphoria. I spent my halloween watching the kids and feeling sorry for their pathetic parents being dragged around by their invisible leashes. I breifly got hooked on a TV show called Most Haunted Live but that quickly dissolved as I started coming up with the answers as to how they faked it. We were at Chris's mothers house, she's a little off her rocker as it is but last night she was especially cooky. It was a grand redneck affair, Jimmy and Chris set off the car alarms to scare the kids as they walked up the driveway where we were all sitting on the coldest, hard plastic chairs smoking cigarette after cigarette and consuming as much candy as we were giving away. I got some what of a sugar high off of about 20 miniature snickers and 4 glasses of pepsi. It was probably the only reason why I didn't leave our sorry soiree early. Some neighbor kid wrapped himself in a bunch of trashbags and thrashed himself about the front yard in a weak effort to scare or entertain the trick or treaters. Brenda's dogs were dressed with halloween bandanna's and happily wagged their tails at all the rosy faces, hoping for a stray hand to stroke their fine fur. Once all the midgetts started thinning out I begged Chris to take me home and light the fireplace. I wanted so badly to do nothing but cuddle on the couch on watch the tele, but after an unsuccesful attempt at starting a warm blaze, Chris turned on the xbox. I wandered into bed and fell asleep watching the weather channel. I'm fascinated with their storm stories episodes. Now it's a count down to xmas... won't that be exciting!

good ol' days

2005-10-18T21:30:00.000-04:00

My entire weekend has been so surreal, but amazing! Friday afternoon I get a phone call from Lil Bro who bumped into Sandy at the bar he frequents, total coincedence! So he calls me and I fly through rush hour traffic to join the crew. We catch up on old times and new, slamming down cranberry and vodka and several shots of cactus juice and yager. Everyone from the old days shows up and I feel like I'm in high school again. We're havin' fun bullshitin and carrying on in the crazy way we always did, getting drunker by the minute until finally Sandy becomes confused and starts wandering off. The plan was that we were all going to go to this haunted hayride thing, I was drunk and didn't care but somehow it all got fucked up. Sandy says goodbye, crying a little but that was the booze taking over. Next thing I know everyone is gone, Sandy's man was supposed to bring me back a cell phone because mine was dead but everyone left. Apparently Sandy went walking down the street regardless of failed attempts by a few inebriated gentlemen to guide her back to the crowd. Jeri left as well as Amber who made it to the haunted hayride and I guess everyone thought I was staying behind for some reason. So Carla, my favorite bartender, calls my hubby to pick me up. I had the hiccups really bad, I always do when I drink. He joked the hell out of me in the car, but I was intoxicated and hungy so we made a pit-stop at KFC. I vaguely remember it being the best chicken I've ever had in my entire life before eventually (and sadly) passing out around 11 p.m. To my surprise I didn't wake up with a hangover, none at all I swear! Never got sick either and for some reason I'm a little proud that I can hold my liquer. And to Sandy's surprise, she woke up, thankfully where she was supposed to, but with a bloody black eye, scraped knees, and a roughed up shoulder. Unfortunately she has no recollection of the previous night's events. I was so worried when she told me, a million thoughts were running through my head, could it have been this or that? I feel bad that I didn't try to find her after she disappeared but I assumed that someone else was... Oh I know it's not my fault, but just what if something worse had happened? I can't dwell on these thoughts, I've learned a lesson from it. It was the best and craziest night I've had in years! And I can't wait to do it again... a little more responsibly though. Cheers to the good ol'days!

veggie poop

2005-10-14T07:45:00.000-04:00

I've been so busy doing nothing these past few weeks. I hate myself for being so lazy I can't stand myself for sitting on my ass in front of a computer screen for more than four hours at a time. I honestly can't take it anymore, and what have I done to show for it? Absolutely nothing. I've got a case of writer's block, actually, it's not just the writing I'm stuck on, when I open photoshop, I just stare at a blank screen for like twenty minutes. What is wrong with me... I'm turning into a vegetable! And on top of that, subprint went down again, what else is new... Is it too much to ask for free hosting that supports php and multiple mysql databases?? Come on people, where is the hook up? And no I do not feel like posting a million messages on a board/forum, that is just damn annoying. What is a girl to do around here? I'm a vegetable, my computer is a vegetable. I need some excitement, which I'm sure I will have tomorrow. Sandy is coming into town today!! But I'm sure we won't hang out til tomorrow so she can see her family first. A few weeks ago I found my diary from a long time ago, I was obsessed with Sandy it was crazy, she was all I ever talked about. I still call her my best friend when I talk about her, she is the only person who gives a damn about my thoughts and feelings (seems like it anyway) and it's so good to hear encouragement when you need it. She's really good at that. It's so cute how she looks like this bad ass bitch, and she tries to play like she's all mean and hardcore but she is the sweetest person I've ever known. All my friends now, they only care about the next opportunity to get drunk, the next boy they can get there hands on, or the next dramafest.

my last breath

2005-10-04T09:28:00.000-04:00

My latest artwork, I can't stop staring at it, cus it's so pretty!! I've been busy, creating these ramdom pictures, being crazy creative. Soon I will get off my ass and make an art page for my website. I'm looking for a photo gallery, something flashy. I've been in a good mood lately, which really puts a damper on my ranting, raving writing. I hate to sound like such whiny bitch but, I can't write unless I'm pissed off or sad, etc. So now I will crawl back into the inner workings of my digital creations, constantly thriving to make something bigger, badder and better.

boredom rant

2005-09-29T13:38:00.000-04:00

At last the days are getting cooler, the nights longer, the trees thinner... well it's only just begun actually. I hate spring and summer. I love the cloudy days of autumn, the smokey haze of burning leaves and winter's crisp chill, puffy breath. I think fall foliage is prettier than spring's wet green budding trees. I've been sewing like a crazy old lady lately, it's getting old fast, but I really want to finish something, just once! I'd love to try painting again, I have a few blank canvases whose blinding white faces are screaming at me. The brushes need to be washed, the paints just squeeze out of a tube, they make me feel like an artist. I will paint the world's metamorphosis, our 4 seasons as we know them, it would be interesting. When will this godforsaken workday end? I've been tapping my nails, plucking out the split ends, ravaging through my desk to clean, organize and re-clean every last thing down to the dusty stapler. Two more painfully dead hours.

pierced

2005-09-24T17:02:00.000-04:00

I thought I would be this bad ass bitch, I wanted to dye my hair black, paint my nails and adorn my fingers, wrists and neck with thick silver, line my eyes with black pencil while blasting the new NIN or Perfect Circle. But that's not me, I'm little Mrs (yea I'm married now) Plain Jane. Instead I opted for the preppy button up pinstripe quarter sleeve top, faded jeans, white reeboks, diamond studs in both ears, wedding rings, and semi-faded red hair... But today I got pierced. Here's a suggestion, if you go with a friend always sit your ass in that chair FIRST! I didn't, and while I stood stock still squeezing her poor hand while she squinted her eyes in fear, I saw that ultra sharp needle push through her tongue. Wet with drewl and blood, her tongue now fancied a standard silver barbell. She opened her eyes and giggled "Ow, that kinda hurt". I nearly passed out on the spot. I whimped out of that one and just decided to get my cartilige done instead. Well, I've still been officially pierced.

dirty dollar

2005-09-21T08:55:00.000-04:00

Everything you hear or read or see on TV is just a product beggin for your fat ass dirty dollar, so shut up and buy, buy, buy. We all know who screams these lovely words and I can't help but scream along. So many times I've heard this, over and over again, it's still true. We can't survive unless we sell our young talented asses in the job market only to be raped and ripped off for pennies. No salary is ever good enough because the more we make the more we spend until we are forced to sell the house, sell the car, sell the shit you bought because you thought it would satisfy your eager reach for status quo. We worship money like an ancient god and I hate him just the same.

But not today babies, my pockets are full and flowing, no more products, no more reaching status quo. Useless objects need not be bought today, I haven't shopped, and I feel rich and proud to have overcome a weakness, if only just this once.

weathering no storm

2005-09-15T12:42:00.000-04:00

Apparently we'll see nothing at all from hurricane Ophelia, I was actually hoping to see some action, we need some excitement around here, especially since we didn't have a good thunderstorm season! The weather is too damn mild lately! Nothing noteworthy besides the heat and how is that interesting? Hopefully we'll have a hellacious snow storm this winter to make up for it all.

If it were a weekend I'd drive down to the OBX just to enjoy the hurricane, but its freakin Thursday! I hate Thursdays.

Uh oh hold the phone! The weatherman has just mentioned more tropical activity, not yet a tropical depression but because it is so far away it could develop into a stronger system. So come on Philippe, bring on the rain! I've created another wonderful photo as my dedication to the hurricane season, this shot was taken on the OBX a few years ago, again I beefed it up some to make it pretty.

rock u like a hurricane

2005-09-14T08:36:00.000-04:00

How ironic that I am directly in the path of Hurricane Ophelia! And just as I was thinking it was going out to sea, she ups and changes her damn mind, over and over again. This is a tricky one, looping all over the atlantic like a confused psychopath on top of losing strength and regaining strength several times. It is currently a hurricane, but that could change. We'll see. But there is no way I'm evacuating! You might think that's stupid but I have 2 dogs, 3 cats, 4 vehicles, and by the time this slow moving monster reaches my locale, it will have been over land for a long while, and will probably be considerably weaker. Besides, when Isabelle hit, I was stuck with Chris's mother who is unnaturally terrified of thunderstorms. Can you imagine how annoyingly crazy she was during a hurricane?? I don't think my safety will be badly sacrificed by opting for a better comfort level with this hurricane. I believe the rain is what might be the major factor since this storm is slow moving, and I'm not in an area particularly prone to flooding. Well, whatever the outcome, no sweat!

infinity

2005-09-12T10:21:00.000-04:00

Announcing my first publication! Coming soon to print, and I can't freakin wait!! Includes poems, prose, journal entries and artwork. Yay!

creation

2005-09-10T00:13:00.000-04:00

I cropped a headshot of Chris from a wedding pic, converted to b&w, grunge border and text.

I made this image totally from scratch using photoshop. Clouds stars and glowing text.

The water fountain from our wedding site. I gave it a glowing effect and brightened it up.

A lovely photo I added a few details to and brightened up a bit. I think it's stunning!

More coming soon! Enjoy!

love and hate

2005-09-07T13:14:00.000-04:00

I've been playing in photoshop all day and I came up with this really cool night sky effect. I've also been working on some photo manipulations that I will post soon. But right now, I'm in love with my stars! This picture is kind of small, but it's so pretty. I've never complimented myself before this! And speaking of compliments, my friend posted some of my poems on her blog because she loves them, she writes too and I'm thinking wow! I've succeeded, I've achieved a big goal in my life: to inspire!

Back to photoshop, I love it so much, it's the best but I do want to try others. I haven't played with illustrator in a few weeks, it's too new, hard to find tutorials for and I'm not reading the help files for hours just learn how to make a gradient-filled shape. Although I did get pretty good with the pen tool. I think I will update my website tonight when I get home, to add the promised art section. I've made quite a few pieces and all I have to do is figure out how to create a photo gallery that I can easily add to and change frequently... I smell a challenge coming on.

Meanwhile, I'm going absolutely insane because I bought the most uninteresting, horrible, piece of shit book ever!! (what can you expect for a $1, right?) It's a memoir by this british guy who apparently writes fiction as well as his father and step-mother. His name is Martin Amis, so in case you ever come across this book (it's called Experience) do not, and I mean DO NOT buy it! It is possibly the most unfortunate book I've ever owned! It's filled with complicated footnotes and the story does not flow naturally at all, meanwhile the content is incredibly ridiculous! At least that's my opinion, but if you don't believe me I will quote from a letter to his parents:

"I'm anxious to have a bit of independence during my last days of independence, as it were. At any rate I don't see why this period should introduce extra restrictions. Independence does not entail riot, insurrection, disregard of personal health, and general wanton behaviour. I just want to be comfortable, to have a sense of establishing my own discipline by doing certain things for myself, and to fuck girls (a litotes I couldn't resist and not to be given unfair emphasis)."

In this excerpt Mr. Amis is asking his parents to pay for a flat instead of a simple room at a boarding school. It is this and a few other paragraphs in this book that depict Martin as being a snotty brat with no respect for women or his own parents. This is practically the most interesting paragraph in the entire book because it shows character, where as most of it is just nonsensical blabbering about stupid little incidents that have no purpose. The enire book has no purpose! I have never been more unsatisfied... But I can't believe I'm still reading this trash. I abide by the reader's golden rule and that is to always finish a book no matter how bad. It's a curse, really.

decisions and sharpies

2005-09-06T08:36:00.000-04:00

My last post is a little embarassing. I don't like to dwell on childish feelings, and I really sounded like a whining four year old! Aaahh! Moving on, I've been researching a few schools that I'm dying to go to. Brainco and Full Sail. Both are in separate states and far away from me so it seems just a little bit impossible. But at least I know what's out there. I just feel like it's too late to do anything about it now, I'm married, I have a home, and car payments - too much responsibility to just up and leave to go to school. But I'm still trying to figure out a way to make it all work out. It's complicated!

I went to this crafts store my mother is always talking about, because I needed something to do. So I bought a pack of sharpie markers in every imaginable color and a wire bound sketch book. I intended to just draw whatever came to mind, but I really suck at drawing!! Knowing this, I also bought a book that is supposed to teach you how to draw cartoons, but if you suck at drawing and you buy one of these books, you'll know what I mean when I say that it still does no good! So, screw the book! I'm just gonna do my own thing! So I've just been doodling and came up with a really cute wedding cake so far. I can't wait to get home from work and doodle some more because now I'm coming up with all these ideas, figures. I love sharpies!

In other news, I have still not decided whether to visit OR or WI, Friends or Family, any many miny mo.... Dammit, I still can't decide!

no glory

2005-08-30T20:05:00.000-04:00

We're obviously not buying a house anytime soon, it's too much responsibility at this point for us. So this realization provides freedom once again to my shopping urges. The latest purchase, one of those swinging benches with an adjustable canopy for the yard/porch. It was on sale, ya know, I just had to have it and at such a good price, I was unstoppable. After unloading the monstrosity onto our small but cozy deck, Chris soon remembered how clumsy and ignorant I am with tools. So he calls little bro to the rescue who brings his pregnant girlfriend over. I sit on one of those plastic chairs to supervise while Chris and little bro work on putting this thing together (I'm a control freak, it has to be done my way, I'm terrible I know) and while little bro's baby mama chirps into a cell phone. A relative, I gathered, calling to see how the pregnancy was going... fucking spare me. She goes on and on about baby-to-be with her Care Bears theme and pink playpen and "I love her cutsy teensy little outfits". I storm into my house, ready to barf at any moment and plop my fat ass in front of the television, the only available distraction.

But my mind is still rattling on - I can't believe how blissfully ignorant little bro is - I wish she would have had an abortion - Oh that's a mean thing to say, don't let anyone ever hear you say that - But why can't she just fall off the porch steps on her way out, she'd probably just roll right on to the fence anyway - Dammit, who gives a shit about her anyway, what the hell is your problem - Just let it go, what's on MTV? - Damn, stupid VMA's again! - I just don't understand why everything has to happen to everyone else first - yea, where's my glory?

That's it! This is why everything bothers me so damn much. Because it's the same sad story on repeat mode. Excuse me while I sob my story but everytime I'm up to bat no one fucking cares because they've seen the show too many times before my episode aired. This is what my memoir's all about, how everyone steals my glory (unintenionally of course, but it still hurts). It must be my middle-child syndrome lashing out. I have 3 brother's, you'd think being the only girl might have it's advantages. Fuck no, it doesn't, not in this family! There's Robbie, the oldest, aka Big Bro, Ian aka Older Bro, ME, and Justin, the youngest, aka Little Bro.

Big Bro graduates and a year later marries some anorexic chick, both events are a grand affair, practically a family reunion. Older Bro has a kid and marries, once again grand affair. Little Bro is daddy-to-be, well we know where this is going... eventually. So when I graduate and get married it turns out to be a flop. Possibly the only person who cared as much about my wedding was my mother's boyfriend, wow, how the fuck does that happen? And the graduation? I almost forgot I did! So why the hell do I get treated like the ugly stepchild? I wallow in my self-pity much too often and just when my suicidal fantasies were becoming a little too vivid Older Bro beats me to the line, and now that I'm married and aging fast I was beginning to like the idea of becoming a mother, fantasizing about my cutsy baby clothes and playpens and baby room wallpaper. I might as well pull the trigger now. I've ruined myself beyond belief of being capable of bearing a child, but we'll save that sob story for some other time.

Meanwhile, I'll keep smiling at all the ignorant fools around me, pretend my life is fucking peachy and continue on with my facade of the girl next door, always being sweet and nice, not naughty or spice, pouring my heart and soul into a fucking blog. It's pathetic.

products

2005-08-28T21:30:00.000-04:00

It's sunday and I'm bored as hell so check out these cool ass websites! (The products of a very productive week at work, as I do nothing but click away on the net while battling instances of narcolepsy) Enjoy:

[x] www.goowy.com - A very cool webmail site based on Flash. Also includes calendar, games, skins, and more. It's so so cool!

[x] www.dlanham.com - Artist David Lanham's portfolio and goodies. His opening page features this kitty and fish tank thingy! It's hilarious. He's very talented, very nice wallpapers in the goodies section.

[x] www.idokungfoo.com - Artist Simon Oxley's portfolio and eShop. He's created the cutest character's, lots and lots of eye candy here and I do personally plan on splurging on a few t-shirts and a messenger bag.

[x] www.orisinal.com - Artist and game creator Ferry Halim's portfolio, games, eShop, flash experiments and much more. This artist is truly amazing and tops the charts in my book. The games are so cute! But I suck at them haha.

united and still broken

2005-08-22T22:12:00.000-04:00

Friday I worked on my art thingy, I came up with an eye that I'd been diligently perfecting... Until I got a phone call from my younger brother regarding my older brother who just got out of a psychiatric hospital as a result of a suicidal attempt. I'm shocked, worried, upset... too many emotions to describe in a way that any other person could understand. We've always had a good relationship, we talk probably three times a week (he lives in wisconsin, so far away!) at one point in one of our recent conversations I realized he sounded depressed, but he's the kind of person to just grunt and move on. Of course there is the presence of drugs and alcohol, how could I have neglected his problems. Don't get me wrong, I've been trying to get him to realize he was getting out of control with this, he was demoted at his job, lost his wife and house... I would have had suicidal thoughts as well but we all know I'm too much of a pussy to carry through. Apparently he wasn't but he survived and now there are medications and long talks about feelings and rehab and doctors. My head still spins. So I've taken it upon myself to play the motherly role here. I'll Take out a loan on my 401k to fly his ass down to VA for a mere $600 and on top of that, support him under my roof for a month to console and comfort him as an alternative to the hospitals and doctors rehab has to offer. He needs family support for now.

But I never knew that these conversations between mom, younger bro and older bro could unite the broken family. I am amazed that she has also taken up post as "mom" once again and has had several soul bearing chats with older bro, completely revealing his vulnerable side, which was definitely hidden in the past as he was the kind of person to put up a stone-walled front.

There's no way to explain how my life changed, becoming more aware (maybe not yet fully) how precious life truly is. We are not invincable, and in a matter of minutes that fact can be proven with a tragic blow. I hope it is a long long time before I must deal with such tragedies. I am too young and not yet wise enough to cope with such a matter, I couldn't possibly deal with it. Not in a million years.

beautiful

2005-08-18T16:17:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling beautiful today. I've been stretching myself thin and by that I mean, I've been doing two things: working on a million projects and dieting. But it's so fun!! So the projects include:

1.creating a new website for myself, to signify a new phase in my life I have closed down "her chaos" and opened the door to Ophelia Infinity. I hope to use this site as a launch pad for my writing, art (I'm learning how to create vector images, such as the one above, with Adobe Illustrator), web design, and a magazine!!

2.I have this crazy idea to launch a magazine titled "Kreate!" which will feature submissions and reviews of digital media, such as graphic design, vector illustrations, web design, music, blogs, flash, etc., etc., the list goes on and on.

3.Working on Emilita... still haven't written anything new but I plan on doing that soon.

4. Working on development of Subliminal Print, loads of updates to add there, lots of changes (hope you don't mind Sandy & Bruce I 'm obsessed with making this look good!). And last but not least,

5. creating a compilation of poems and short stories as an anthology to be published and sold through my website using cafepress.com. It's the coolest place, I found, while searching the web bored at work! Everyone should check this out! But you can make anything from t-shirts to stickers and books! Total coolness!

The diet - yogurt for breakfast, fruit for lunch, and whatever I want for dinner.... I am so HUNGRY!!

hide & seek

2005-08-14T03:01:00.000-04:00

Oh how a song can be so captivating... you must listen immediately! But the lyrics are just as beautiful:

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to fall
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking, feeling
Spin me around again
And rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets
Amess with people
Would stop to hold
Their heads heavy
Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life
Hide and Seek
Trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here)
Blood and Tears
They were here first
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, that you only meant well?
Well, 'course you did
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, that it's all for the best
Of course it is
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, that it's just what we need
You decided this
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, what did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit
(Hide and Seek)
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs
(Hide and Seek)[carries on through rest of song]
Speak no feeling,I not believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a, you don't care a bit
Oh no, You don't care a bit
Oh no, You don't care a bit
Oh no, You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit

Hide & Seek

I'm utterly speechless, besides these tears, no words at all.

phobias

2005-08-11T23:28:00.000-04:00

I'm miserable, seems to be a theme for me right? But I have such a good excuse and I'm terrified. Two things have been happening recently, two things I am most afraid of will then happen in turn if not resolved. I rarely get headaches unless I have the flu or something, but recently I've been getting them and bad too. Sensitivity to light and sound, pounding (which is ten times worse than throbbing!!) it is god awful. So this happened about 3 times out of the past week and no amount of pain killers (even the good ones, I got tha hook-up!) proved to be relieving. So if it continues, I must see a doctor which is completely horrifying because she or he will tell me that a. something is wrong with me, b. I've been doing something wrong to myself to cause the ailment or c. there is no found cause or reason and thus no cure. And none of these answers will come without the usual testing, probing and the possibility of needles. I'm so squeamish, its hereditary. I'm fucking screwed, but I should just go because there is a slight glimmer of hope, right?

Second, this just started today, on top of the migraine I woke up to, a tooth ache popped up as well. Fucking great, the thought of sitting in a dentist's chair makes me want to scream for mommy or faint all together. Everyone who's had one, knows that a toothache is the worst kind of pain. Apparently, I wasn't hurting enough with the migraines.

So I was thinking I should just take a week off from work and spend it happily sedated on morphine or sleeping pills, whatever's available. Just kidding.. I guess I will suffer the wrath of my phobias and make some phone calls in the morning.

announcement

2005-08-08T13:04:00.000-04:00

I've created a new blog where I will be posting Emilita.

I'm also in the middle of freaking out and throwing a fit over this damn floppy disk that somehow isn't working. It has part three of Emilita on there and it won't let me open it!!!

Deep breath, I will just have to (god forbid) re-write!

So the blog is a semi-solution to my carrying a floppy back and forth between work and home and anywhere else that may potentially have a computer. As long as I have internet access it can't be lost... I hope!

emilita

2005-08-07T21:45:00.000-04:00

That's a beautiful name I think, not something I would name my child though, I particularly like McKenzie, but that's years from now! Moving on to part deux of my previous segment from Emilita.

Oddly, the grass banks surrounding the lake were a bright velvety green. The kind of green I’d only seen at a golf course, but I averted my attention to the enormous log that usually served as our seating lounge. Ally and Jake sat cross-legged on the log facing each other. Jake twisted around to face me as I walked up behind him. A smile broke across his face that reminded me of the sun breaking across the horizon in the early morning hours when everything was still young and fresh. He was tall and lean, dark brown hair on top of a long featured face, bronze skin and green eyes. All the preppy girls at school swooned over his baby face and fierce eyes, but Jake remained loyal to Ally and me. Not romantically mind you, neither one of us dated much. As long as we had each other, we were all the companionship we needed.

“Emilita, darling, you shouldn’t have!” Jake said, being sarcastic as usual.

“Oh, of course not, Jake,” I replied, taking on the same sarcastic tone, “which is why I only intended to share with Ally” He frowned and snatched at the metal box I still held tightly but missed as I proved my reflexes were faster than his. He then tackled me to the ground and stole the small box from my firm grip. Defeated, I stayed on the ground breathing in the sweet smell of grass as I watched Jake carefully walk back to the log and resume his Indian style position. Ally gazed at me casually, being the laid back one of the group, she never became overly excited. She gave me a small smile and simply said, “Nice.”

The metal box was an antique handed down to me from my grandmother. It was silver with a tarnished floral pattern and an old fashioned hook latch. The red velvet lining was brown around the edges from old age but I thought it was beautiful and perfect for carrying our little treats as we called them.

Jake slowly unlatched the box with an exaggerated delicacy, “drum roll please…”

Ally snatched the box from Jake this time and retrieved a strip of paper about the size of a gum wrapper. Besides a yellowish stain on one side of the white paper, it could easily surpass as an ordinary piece of scrap usually found at the bottom of any female’s purse. “I thought it would be in liquid form,” she said, disappointed.

“I didn’t have a vile,” I said, rolling over onto my back to get up. “It’s the best I could do with Logan being all crazy these days. And Dammit, Jake you better have some stain remover these were my favorite jeans!”

“Why is acid so hard to come by anyways?” Jake said.

“Who cares,” replied Ally, “its half past noon, my mom should be obliviously drunk by now so we should just head over to my house.”

red headed b*ch

2005-08-07T02:34:00.000-04:00

I dyed my hair red because I thought it would be sexy, but it's not. I look like hell.

I've been writing a lot lately so I don't care, I've invested in a new typewriter which I finally got and I love it! I just think they're cool for some reason, makes me feel more like a writer sometimes. Anyway, here's an excerpt from something I've titled Emilita. I may actually finish this damn thing considering I started it November last year I think. It's been a long time.

Leaves colored in every shade of red, yellow and orange lightly sprinkled the well traveled path to the lake. It was only September so most of the leaves hadn't fallen yet, which was a good thing because their shade provided a respite from the 90-some degree temperature that day. I carefully stepped over tree roots, beer bottles and other various debris, while at the same time, desperately digging through the bottomless pit known as my purse. Darker shade surrounded me as the trees became denser and the cooler air dried the mist of sweat that had formed on my forehead. Finally my fingers wrapped around the small metal box I'd been searching for. I removed the box from my purse and clutched it tightly in my hands, walking faster to get to the lake where Jake and Ally waited for me and my metal box. I heard their faint laughter off in the distance and knew I was getting closer, when finally the blinding sun burst through the thick foliage and reflected of the lake's murky brown water.

message

2005-08-05T12:54:00.000-04:00

Message to the teenage drama queens:

Okay you two, give it up already! I don't want to be in the middle of your arguments so you might as well just throw up a white flag and start being civil with each other. And if you honestly don't want to be friends than that's fine, stop rubbing shit into each other's faces and stop lying about shit to rub into each other's faces. And I swear to god, if any of you ever say you are pregnant again, I will walk away from you, hang up on you, or just flat out ignore you because I don't want to hear it, I won't believe you until it pops out!. This isn't some race/competition to see who can get pregnant first and don't even think about bringing up the past. Both of you are too young and are nowhere near the stability level it requires to raise a child, sure there is someone always willing to help but I don't understand why every time you have sex you think you're pregnant! Start using a condom, birth control, spermicide whatever it takes, because if you don't then you obviously want to get pregnant and you might want to okay that with your boyfriends first! I worry that you will get yourself stuck into an unwanted situation. I'm sorry for lecturing you both, but I will go completely insane if I hear/read another word about pregnancy.

Why is it that everyone around me is so immature? It's not that I think I'm better than anyone, I'm just older and have grown out of such childish things. Even still, I was never one to play games. Maybe I actually missed out on some fun, cus everybody's doing it!

soul searching

2005-08-04T09:36:00.000-04:00

I've been digging deep within to reach the core of my desires, creativity, sensations, and emotions. I have found what I've been looking for - inspiration. Within this massive structure I call my brain, I have formed an imagination ready to explode, splattering words and images onto a fresh crisp page, destroying its perfect whiteness forever with dripping ink and metaphors. Goodbye ordinary, this morning's blazing sun lighted a new day and with it's burning ball of brightness, ignited a passionate fire that will burn forever. Infinitely.

what i know

2005-08-01T12:51:00.000-04:00

Upon deciding to take writing more seriously, I’ve come to the conclusion that it simply isn’t possible for me to achieve my own goals. I get this phrase popping around in my head that I’ve heard every teacher I’ve ever had say: “write about what you know”. All I know are a collection of vague memories. Regretfully, I’ve let my past fade into a gray dust with the exception of a few sparkling bits here and there. I know nothing but what is now and now is not worth writing about. Why do I get this urge, once again unsatisfiable, like I must write, I must expel the mysteries within. So I sit, pen in hand poised above a fresh notepad and as I dig for the story I am so longing to write, I let my mind drift to the frozen chicken in the freezer.... what’s for dinner tonight, I wonder.

I read The Bell Jar again today, and I can’t get enough of Sylvia Plath. I’ve read her journals, a few poems, and biographical notes. She had an amazing life, a life worth reading and writing about. Nothing of my own past compares to the rich and entertaining moments of Sylvia Plath’s life. Even these words I struggle to spit out seem so uneducated, elementary. I want to write, but I’m afraid to write something not worthwhile, or something that would not live up to the high standards I have set for myself. I just keep telling myself... in time I will become a better writer, I will find my dreams and fears and publish them along with every other mad writer out there.

But why? Why can’t I be happy keeping my journal and writing a few poems and prose every now and then, why can’t I just be simple and humble and not want so badly to be a successful writer? I torment myself with doubt and grief and unanswerable questions while still hoping that one day...

heaven

2005-07-31T23:10:00.000-04:00

Wow. Chris made up with me. That never happens. I had my weekly appointment with the ladies (will explain momentarily) and I came home to find the one thing I have been drewling over for two weeks now. I haven't been able to bring myself to buy it, no matter how much I decide to indulge and now I own it. Yes I'm the biggest dork of all, for drewling over the DVD collection of The O.C.'s first season!!!! I've got 27 episodes of TV heaven. My day couldn't have been better.

So now for the appointment with the ladies. They include Chris's mother Sherry, her sister-in-law Wendy and his grandmother Rose. The ladies and I get together once a week and play bingo... yes bingo. It's really very interesting because there's all these really mean old people that gather in this smoke filled building all in hopes of winning $100 or (hold your breath) the $1,000 jackpot. Now, I know you're thinking "what the fuck" but these old people do have their own interesting stories to tell and well I'm a sucker for listening to all these crazy and somewhat amazing stories. I really should write an anthology of some sort of all these tales.... (lightbulb on). So that's the daily news. I think I'll start working on some short stories now. It's a shame my typewriter won't be here until Tuesday!! Dammit, fucking e-bay.. I hate waiting.

indulging

2005-07-30T17:54:00.000-04:00

I have forced my way through the brick wall previously blocking my path to happiness. I gave up and I didn't care for a moment what the outcome would be- no more regrets just fucking do it - type of attitude. I bought the new Harry Potter book, I really don't know what it is about this series, but I am loving it! And the book was totally good, like all the rest, not like most sequals, this series gets better and better. I devoted my entire day to fast food, which I actually do regret because I couldn't sleep and had a stomach ache from hell. But I love Taco Bell and I love Chinese food!! And I finally broke down and bought a new typewriter because the one I have is so hard to use, its so old and the only good thing about it as that it looks pretty cool. I still didn't get my precious pink royal that I love so much, but I'm happy with one that's easy to use. And I've been happily downloading Tool and Deftones songs all day. Maynard is extremely inspiring with his lyrics, he really should write a book one day. I bet it would be the most interesting book ever and I would cherish it as part of my collection forever! And Deftones is... well Deftones! How can anyone not like them.

So it's almost 6pm and I'm still in my PJ's, I haven't yet taken a shower or brushed my teeth or my hair even and I don't give a damn. Now that I have my Tool CD's and Deftones CD's I'm going back to the TV where my super nintendo and super mario world awaits me!

child within

2005-07-28T12:14:00.000-04:00

When I'm hurting inside I get mad because that's the only way I know how to deal with the pain. But no one understands that about me, not even after knowing me my entire life. Something is wrong with that!! We argued the other day and he still doesn't get it. I just want someone to care about me the way that no one else does. I need someone compassionate, someone to baby me and tell me everything will be ok. I need comfort and I need to feel loved. This sounds stupid, to him I guess, because he doesn't take me seriously, when actually I'm trying to be openly honest. My mother treats me like an object in her life, not like a real person. I'm just a thing she can call upon when she needs something, she doesn't give a damn about my problems, or my feelings. I don't have close friends because the ones I did have were pretty much the same way, never cared about me, deeply. And I always gave, gave, gave!! I was compassionate, I was always there for them, soothing troublesome times. And now Chris.. my love, and I'm supposed to be his, but he just doesn't know how to treat a damn woman. He doesn't know how to treat me... still! How the hell am I supposed to make him understand that I never had a tight family, I never had that gushy motherly love or fatherly, or best friends forever.... I need him to be all of those things for me, for my sake, for my mentality's sake, and my heart's. I secretly despise people who have a bond with their parents, who have great relationships with friends, husbands, anyone. I fucking hate it because I don't have that in my life and I don't know if I ever will. So I'm jealous and I'm a bitch, I'm always angry, I make nasty remarks about those people because why can't that be me? And I'm mean to Chris because he can't be that way with me, lovey dovey, anything for you baby. And I hate myself because I'm so goddamn selfish. It consumes me this absolute need for attention, love, compassion.

So every now and then my heart turns into a hard cold stone as I tell myself toughen up sweetie, you're a grown woman you don't need these childish things. This carries me for a while, like a normal person bright and cheery, pleasing to the public's eye. And then it overwhelms me again, a strong wave of depression, the wanting, unsatisfiable need for love, compassion, attention. I feel like I am bare naked, abandoned. I have nothing and no one and I might as well pack my shit and find a shack in the middle of the fucking desert. Fuck this world, I don't fucking need you, if you can't make me feel like I belong I'll be the one to desert you completely rather than staying and pretending. I mask the pain with anger and run away, hurting inside. Its almost unbearable, but still I run away, and all the while hoping someone actually cares, hoping that at least he will prove me wrong and come chasing after me.

But the sad thing is, he never does. I scream and I cry and I get angry and he stares blankly at thin air not saying a word. Just ignoring me completely, while I'm telling him over and over again please acknowledge me, love me, make me feel better, just tell me it will be ok, just tell me that you care, please tell me you would never let me go away forever, confess your dying love to me and how you could never live without me. Just once... Just once in our lives, don't ignore me.

i can't get no satisfaction

2005-07-19T18:14:00.000-04:00

[Journal Fragment]

Chris is in Ohio this week for work and I feel bored without him. I hate feeling bored so I turned on the TV, nothing interesting, just newscasters reporting a deluge of crimes, investigations, murders, etc. Their monotonous voices are extremely annoying so I clicked off the set and decided to sit outside instead. I looked up at the bulbous yellow moon suspended high in the sky with the twinkling stars, floating peacefully in a bed of clouds. I thought how inappreciative I have been of the outdoors and realized why as I became disgusted with the summer's sticky heat and it's associated sour stench. I stole a final glance at the bright moon before heading in. At this point I was irritated with not having anything to alleviate my restlessness and thus decided to just sleep. But I kept imagining that a large and icky bug was crawling on my ceiling so I flipped on the light and decided to read which usually relaxes me and makes me tired. I had gotten a book for Christmas that I recently found in the bottom of a catch all drawer and it looked interesting enough to crack open. This book is beautiful leather bound with the gold tinted pages when the book is closed and complete with a silky ribbon book mark. It's called Grimm's Complete Fairy Tales. I'm thinking perfect for bedtime stories... Boy was I wrong. These are modern day fairy tales on crack! I won't go into detail because the stories are very strange. By now I'm fuming that I've had nothing but disappointment in everything I tried to do. Is it so bad that I'm so hard to please, I'll be forever unsatisfied? Finally I was determined to sleep and snuggled up in the very center of my bed where eventually, after the inevitable tossing and turning, I fell into a coma like state. I dreamt of an odd green house, a potentially disastrous tornado, and an unforgivable friend from long ago. I hate holding a grudge for so long but the last time I saw her she was wearing every shade of cynical... I could never let that go. I can't catch a break even in my dreams!

one weak to be strong

2005-07-15T23:55:00.000-04:00

. . . How to be happy when you are at the mall, skinny twigs floating around heavily, washed in from the rain I suppose. Too many people holding hands and white toothy smiles, pregnant round bellies. Do we seem that way in public, absorbed in each other, not caring about the world unfolding around us? I didn't feel beautiful enough to be there, I've long since cared to get my hair done at a salon, it just hung lifeless and bored from my head. My summer wardrobe is nothing cute and colorful, fashion was never an interest to me. I can't stop looking at all the window displays, even the manicans are happy, proud to show off the latest zero sized and overpriced jeans, bright tanktops and maybe a handbag or flashy belt. Why do I care about this so much, I can't help it that I do? Why do I feel the pressure of having to be like everyone else, so what I've been brainwashed by society's media - magazines tell us everyday how to lose weight and be happy and look great and get the man/job/life of your dreams. There are television shows and movies and books. Everywhere I turn in this godforsaken hell something is telling me my outfit is all wrong, my hair is so out of date, and those shoes are absolutely disgusting, not to mention the fact that my body is out of proportion, disgusting scared nose, my breasts have the formidable droop. I can't breathe in this place anymore, I am suffocating in my glorified ugliness. So I ran away. Stood up from the table where my chinese food sat cold and half eaten while Jerry made comments about hot chicks and look there's that pretty girl Chris knows from somewhere... I ran away from society's picture perfect family sitting at the table in front of me, chauvinistic asshole commenting on the women passersby in front of his own girlfriend, Chris oblivious and so painfully unaware. I ran away from my dying suffocating self, I'd rather burn in hell. This was supposed to stop years ago when I grew up and realized that I am nothing but human, I am supposed to be happy because I am a healthy, married woman with a new car and loving pets, I have a job with decent pay and I have friends and family and love. The thought of this makes it worse, it was supposed to stop because I have nothing to be sad or angry or stressed about, this heart beating out of control, sweat pumping from every pore of my skin, this isn't supposed to happen anymore because I convinced myself long ago I wouldn't end up like her cutting her flesh to pieces because self-inflicted pain somehow cured the pain from someone else. I made a promise, I would never seek out a professional opinion about my fucked up life, pharmaceuticals and institution. I deny that I am weak though weak I am, but I am strong enough to admit it. I am not like her because I know my weaknesses but I am not strong enough to avoid them.

on the hunt

2005-07-14T09:15:00.000-04:00

We are on the hunt for a house. I can't help but be materialistic when I say that I want something pretty! I am so drooling over this house in the picture above. I hate my neighborhood, I hate the traffic and general congestion in this highly populated area. So, cowboy take me away to the country, with wide open spaces and small towns, and fields and fields of tall green grass, sweet fresh air to gulp down by the mouthfull. I can't believe how spoiled I am, I bitch incessently about my wedding (every girl has her right to, by the way), I bitched about my crappy car, I bitched about my ugly living room, and now I want a whole new house all together. Not to mention the smaller odds and ends like the new computer, an entire bedroom suit, tons and tons of dishes, pots, pans, and tupperware. When will it ever end? I'll vow to myself right now that if I get this house, I will lead a simple life and enjoy the life we've built together. No more shopping "urges", begging and pleading. Just simple country living, with our sickly animals (I'll explain in a moment), our new vehicle, and the thousands of household items that I just had to have. It's hard to convince myself that there is nothing we need! And buying this house would be a major responsibility! Our rent was cheap so we got away with a little extra money, but a mortgage would probably be twice as much as our rent. There is one drawback, we would be at least 30 or 45 minutes away from the city, traveling to work everyday would be a pain the ass, especially with these gas prices (fucking outrageous!). Oh, how lovely it is to dream...

Moving on, I've come to the conclusion that God is trying to tell me something. I mean, I'm not religious in any way but this is pretty odd. All of my animals are sickly in one way or other. We have Roxy, whom you've heard about before with the chronic lung disorder (we're still not sure what's wrong with her exactly), she's medicated and doing well but it is definitely a life long illness. Then there is Akira my other dog. Chris's mother found her on the side of a very busy road so she was kind enough to pull over and pick her up. Akira jumped right in the car without hesitation but Sherry eventually noticed that something was wrong with her leg. It was broken, clean in half, the x-ray was amazing! So Sherry was also kind enough to have her leg fixed, but it hasn't heeled correctly and she walks funny, not exactly perfect, like she's drunk or something. And lastly, there is Maggie, our 6 month old kitten, all white and beautiful. She's extremely laid back and loves to play with the dogs, but we noticed that she doesn't respond to sound AT ALL! I could go up behind her with the vaccuum cleaner and she doesn't budge an inch, we have to physically touch her to get her attention when she's not looking directly at us, we've tried clapping our hands beside her ears and they don't move. Clearly, thats not normal. But the point of this long and boring description of my pets is that God is telling me that when I have a child it will be impaired or disabled somehow... who knows. It is an odd coincedence perhaps. Here are my babies, from top to bottom, they are Roxy, Akira, and Maggie.

a recent conversation

2005-07-12T10:18:00.000-04:00

After reviewing 81 messages left on my voice mail and noticing that about 65 of them were from collection agencies, I decided to take responsibility for the debt that I’m almost drowning in. I called a random 800 number that appeared several times on my caller ID. Mary Ann answered my call to “Card Services”:

“Thank you for calling Card Services, this is Mary Ann, how can I help you?”

“Hi, I’m calling to resolve an outstanding debt.”

“Okay, ma’am, may I have your account number please?” She had a high-pitched, dainty voice. One that made me feel like my voice was too deep and ugly, but at least she was polite.

I tried to respond with the same perky voice, “I’m not sure of that exactly, I don’t have the bill in front of me...”

There was a slight pause, clearing of throat, “Okay, no problem ma’am, may I please have your social security number?”

I gave her the requested information, there was another pause, longer this time with furious tapping on computer keys.

Mary Ann sighed with disappointment, “Okay, ma’am, it looks like your account has been past due for some time now, is there any reason for the lapse of payment?” her tone was lowered now, snobby, patronizing.

“Umm...,” I tried to think of something good, something shocking or even offensive, but I can’t think well under pressure and I’m too nice anyway. “Unexpected car trouble, some car parts are not cheap.” I said it with a smile trying to be friendly, maybe brighten her attitude.

Unfortunately it didn’t, her voice lowered again, this time like a mother’s when chastising a child, “It’s a good think you called today, your account is being transferred to our garnishment department here shortly.” Another sigh, computer keys click-clacking again. “I can drop your last late fee of $35 dollars, that brings your minimum payment to $250, would you like for me to set that up for you today?”

“Two hundred and fifty dollars?! There’s no way I can afford that much at one time, I’m sorry for wasting your time, but I’ve got more important bills to pay, I won’t go hungry over a $250 debt. Thank you for your time.”

I was about to hang up, but these people are vampires, they will say anything to make you pay pay pay! “Apparently you don’t understand the value of credit, I suggest you consider making an effort to resolve this right away, it cannot wait any longer. So much depends on credit scores these days and keeping a high credit status should be a top priority. We’re doing you a favor Mrs. Banty.”

She was getting snappy now, too forceful, that’s where all these collectors and telemarketers go wrong with me. No one likes being told what to do. I’m a grownup now, I can make my own decisions without asking mommy or daddy so please, do not treat me like a child.

All these thoughts floated in my head slowly revolving like a lazy Susan and I could not bring myself to voice my frustrations. This time I sighed with disappointment. “Listen, Mary Ann, Right?

“MMhmm”

“Do yourself a favor honey,” it was my turn to be patronizing, “why don’t you trade your job in to become a babysitter for a couple of toddlers. You might learn how to ask for things nicely and you might realize that playing nice gets you pretty far. I expected you act professional rather than condescending. I’m sorry I called.” I waited for a response but there was only a stunned silence. “Good day, ma’am,” and I hung up the phone.

pwd and rain again

2005-07-11T22:10:00.000-04:00

Is there such a thing as post wedding depression? I've been brooding all day and I haven't exactly figured out why, and if one more god-damned person mentions the "monday blues" so help me, I will beat them to a pulp. I hate to sound cliche, but I'm PMS'ing badly. Lately I've been trying to enhance my style of writing, give it an intellectual flair, but not today... I'm in bitch mode, thank you very much. But it's not the fact that the wedding is over, maybe subconsciously, but every little thing is depressing me for no apparent reason.

On the verge of tears, I play my stereo loud. I love this screaming violin solo followed by a dramatic techno beat, Aphex Twin or something to that effect. It's beautiful and it brings out the sadness in me passionately, the madness, like a Sylvia Plath moment. It rained today, hard sloppy drops, like big wet tears plopping to the ground. No ordinary pitter patter melody, just an angry drum beat: plump plump plump. It was semi-relief, this sympathetic rain let fall the tears I would have cried.

christopher

2005-07-09T00:52:00.000-04:00

My soft skin pressed firmly against the threadbare sheets as I lay flat on my stomach. He laid beside me on my left, my head cocked in his direction, my luxurious fluffy pillows forming to the curves of my face. I shifted into a comfortable enough position to let my tiredness consume me with a deep sleep. I slid my hand across his stomach and tucked my fingers underneath him. He always sleeps on his back, one arm above his head, the other cradled with his thumb in his mouth (a habit I associate with his insecurity issues). I whispered good night into the cool darkness of our air conditioned bedroom. He responded with a soft mumble and, satisfied, I let my body relax. But eventually my mind wandered into a thick forest of thoughts: Look at how cozy we are even though I sometimes sense a gap between us, a void to be filled with his characteristics, his history, his morals. And couldn't it take a lifetime to understand these things about him? Our seven years together seem so familiar but we are dedicated to each other and to the quest of knowledge we seek about one another. I've possibly defined the deepest meaning of a relationship! I tried to relax again until I realized I was saying his name over and over in my head - Chris, Christopher, Chris. I repeated it so many times that it sounded foreign and couldn't help but laugh out loud (which made the dog bark angrily at me for disturbing her peaceful slumber). "What kind of name is that anyway, Chris, Christopher" I said. Half asleep, he muttered innocently, "Why, what'd I do?"

revision

2005-07-07T16:28:00.000-04:00

We must keep reminding ourselves of hard times and past-times, memories long ago forgotten. And just when we grasp a concept, unclear of the meaning, we are overwhelmed with joy. Like tasting sweet candy for the first time, like taking your first steps proudly staggering across the room to grab the broom and sweep away past thoughts of never being able to stand on your own two feet and never being afraid to speak out to the world that will one day embrace you, but will always love you. We struggle because there is hope and we have it like a dream waiting to become true, a star waiting to be wished upon by you.

(Originally written by SLB May 24, 2003, titled Credence/Survival. Revised July 7, 2005 renamed Survival. Please see original version at http://herchaos.atspace.com/currentworks.htm)

convoluted

2005-07-06T19:59:00.000-04:00

I write because I don't think its the proper thing to rest my chin upon my folded hands at work while staring into oblivion. I write because I refuse to believe that humans don't use their entire brain and there must be some intelligence hidden in there somewhere. I write and write until my fingers become raw and bloody as a tribute to the modern writers who have inspired me. There are few because I am ignorant of such wonderful writers.. too many lazy days and lazy nights. But I crave the knowledge, to be able to spit out a line written by my favorite author whenever it relates to any given situation. Oh how I aspire to be like them, to write beautifully, to fill the pages of books, to be published, to be read by others, to inspire others. But I have only criticism and rejection. I can't write stories, although I try, my words could never fill an entire book, they're just broken fragments of my imagination, no continuity. I could start a novel once a month and never finish them . I hate my ideas, they never turn out to be much or I just give up because my ideas are too complicated even for me. God, how can that make sense? But I read the work of others, and yes, we writers are all different, it's good to have a unique style but my level isn't good enough, its not yet inspiring. Read more, write more until eventually...

I feel hollow inside as if there were no substance to my existence. Why do I feel life should be justified rather than welcomed? And why must I define myself over and over again? I am many things in retrospect, what a psychologist would diagnose as multiple personality syndrome, but I say it's the ability to adapt to certain situations. I say mood swings and menstruation, I say life changes or changes of life, one or the other. Have you ever felt a metamorphosis? A moment in time where you change your morale, your opinion? Something so everlasting that if you don't grasp the concept of it immediately it is lost forever, the moment remains unknown. Like the realization that you long ago gave up slumber parties with school friends and stuffed teddy bears to snuggle up to every night. It was only yesterday's reality. But today's responsibility was forced upon us after Cinderella and Snow White faded into a gray memory. But I'm beyond that now, I'm not angry or ashamed of those years ago. I have no regrets and I wish myself to move on gracefully accepting this hopeful future. I just hope I can live more through my experiences, make them really mean something.

bless the rumbling heavens

2005-07-05T18:45:00.000-04:00

Nature made her own fireworks today, just a day late to be considered patriotic. But I was still fascinated, oohing and awwing at the spectacular display of lightning. I don't know what causes this fascination. It could be that it's something beyond my control or that it's potential for disaster is beautiful at the same time. Nothing compares to a booming and turbulent sky, it will attract my eyes forever.

Moving on, I'm thinking of really pushing the web design into the public. But I have too much self doubt, am I good enough to be bought? Oh well, whatever. I wish I knew more, had more, educated more... There are so many beautiful things that I could create but would they be?

bad excuse

2005-07-03T16:58:00.000-04:00

There are too many birthday's in July. Chris's mother's, his aunt's, my dad's... and I'm so broke! Sorry people, I'm too busy paying for the new vehicle and remodeling my house, planning another vacation (just a weekend getaway, nothing extravagent). Dammit! I feel so bad because normally I'm a generous person and now I'm kicking myself in the ass because I forgot the birthdays. Oh well, I hope you all enjoy your box of chocolates and your $10 gift cards, it's the thought that counts right? Please forgive my husband for not being thoughtful enough to remind me of anything!

tying the knot

2005-07-02T14:18:00.000-04:00

The entire month of June was a blur and this is about the only time that you will ever see a picture of myself in my blog!! I've been avoiding that, mostly because I look like a retard. But the wedding was perfect, and here we are back to reality again. Now we're playing the married couple and making home improvements! What fun we are having ripping up the carpet in my living room and painting the walls, replacing light fixtures! I feel like I should be on an episode from TLC. Oh and we even bought a new car!! Well its an Explorer, not really a car. So everyone's buggin me about having kids... im way too selfish to devote my life to someone else right now and besides im practically infertile! We've been together for 7 years, no protection and no baby yet! Actually I think I have deeper problems but I'm too afraid to actually know about them. Don't get me wrong, I want kids and we've thought about actually planning it and trying and blah blah blah. I'm just not sure when the right time is, I feel too young still. So if it happens it happens.. thats the news for now folks, please stay tuned for the next episode.

stormy reverie

2005-05-31T22:31:00.000-04:00

Somewhere in the stormy mess of things there is peace and serenity. From inside these boarded windows the sound of a strong wind howls, the foundation creaks and cracks but holds strong against mother nature. It screams a proud rebel yell: built by the hands of humans I will endure its wrath. With all its vulnerability, this house provides a simple comfort, a loving shelter. No drop of rain should touch my fair skin, no gust of wind should tangle my long tresses, this house provides an escape until the sun breaks through the dark clouds. Until the storm passes, while the rain lashes at these boarded windows, I shall have my peace, my serenity.

the sun shines again

2005-05-22T11:56:00.000-04:00

Upon reading my entire blog I've discovered I suffer from multiple personality syndrome and manic depression. Not to worry, I wouldn't say I'm severely disabled as of yet, but if I don't keep my head on right, you never know. I might just sail away into a vast ocean of nothingness while my physical appearance seems to be in a vegetative state, my mind and my head would race to complete some unknown mission. I've always thought that crazy people like that are living a fantasy life inside their head. Wouldn't that be fun, to escape the dark clouds for a few years at a time, pretend I was a fairy tale princess of some sort. But then there's that one ray of sunshine that has to fuck it all up and make the world seem like a brighter place again. Dammit, there goes my ticket to paradise again. Pardon me if I'm not making any sense... I really love to ramble on about nothing to make people think "she really isn't that far off from crazy town". Alas, there is nothing more to say today.

teenage drama queens

2005-05-08T23:14:00.000-04:00

I'm still spinning from this weekend, my bridesmaids are much younger than me and we got their dresses on Friday and last night I guess we had a party to celebrate. It was an all out open bar at my place, you name it we drank it, my liquor cabinet was cleared out! So, everyone is underage and gettin shit-faced, meanwhile one of the only ones who is actually of age to drink (meaning myself) couldn't get a damn buzz. It was pathetic to see all these young people think they were tough shit cus they were partyin down at the older girl's house who doesnt live with mommy and daddy. On top of that, my fiance totally puked... it just made me feel like what's the point of this? How can people do this all the time and not feel stupid. It's so hard to explain, I guess when you're the only sober one, you get fucking pissed off.

So, I found out my brother's girlfriend (who's one of my bridesmaids and I fucking hate her, but I was desparate) is "pregnant" again. She's already faked two pregnancies, well, she said she had miscarriages but she never went to the fucking doctor, NEVER, not even when the home pregnancy test came back "positive". How the fuck?? This girl is 18, dropped out of school when she had one year left, has never had a job in her entire life and somehow draws a disability check and child support from her father (actually that got canceled when they found out she quit school, hahahaha), supposedly she has arthritis in her neck and back, she constantly complains about fucking everything! She's a damn hypochondriac, its the most annoying shit ever!. My brother totally supports her now cus she lives with him. Oh my god, I can't even write about it, I give up completely because she's a fucking moron, she's the scum of the earth, fucking waste of flesh. I'm so goddamn mean but I don't give a shit.

But ya know, I was going to write this whole spiel about how I feel sorry for my brother because he somehow feels obligated to be with this girl who couldn't be the worst thing that's ever happened to him, but fuck it. He wants to put up with a teenage drama queen, still have unprotected sex, listen to the lies and bullshit that constantly spews from the disgusting mouth of this girl who obviously craves attention... so let it be. Let him fuck up his life, it's not mine.

the frog prince

2005-05-06T17:26:00.000-04:00

Isn't this picture just the cutest thing you've ever seen? I saw it once about a year ago and forgot all about it and during one of my endless searches through photos I found it again. I'm obsessed with photography and I wish I could capture beautiful images but most of them don't really come out well. I want walls and albums full and bursting to the brim not just with memories but with pieces of art as well. Pieces that show emotion whether happy or sad, angry and passionate, I want it all. I suppose I could buy a really nice printer and some photo paper and print away, visit the neighborhood Kinko's to create full-sized images to be placed around the house.... oh if only I could I would. But that is why I have a computer and the internet where I can store store store all the pretty things I like until one day, I shall kiss a frog prince and he will give me everything my heart desires.

I'm in fairytale land, can't ya tell? Snap back to reality, I'm planning my freakin wedding!!! Holy shit I never thought I could in a million years have the wedding of my dreams! Botanical Gardens, a dress all my own (that I still haven't picked out yet but no worries), I've got a DJ, photographer, white tuxedo's, canopy tents, shrimp cocktails, champagne, an amazing honeymoon planned for the Outer Banks, I've got it all. All I ever asked for.... How did this happen? Nothing good ever happens to me, I guess I found my frog prince. I'm the cheesiest person in the world really. But its so good to be loved.

walking germ head

2005-04-29T04:20:00.000-04:00

I'm waiting for a miracle to happen with any of these pills I've taken. I think by my next dose I'll just swallow a handful rather than the standard two pill minimum. I've been sick so many times before but the problem is I can never remember what works. I start off with the Tylenol Cold which doesn't even effect me. Sudafed, nothing. Dayquil gives me a headache, no thank you. Nyquil lets me nap for about an hour or so. What is wrong with me? There's got to be a pill out there for me, like a soul mate, I'm waiting for that moment where the chemistry is perfect. No bullshit, just throat soothing, congestion clearing, pain dissolving miracle working pills. If ever I find my soul pill, I will buy boxes by the dozen, caress them and whisper sweet nothings into its perspective ear. I love you soul pills. Come to me, I need you now.

marbles

2005-04-19T20:56:00.000-04:00

I desparately searched for inspiration to keep the blog current, the web designing caused a temporary block but when I saw this picture it instantly reminded me... My grandfather (bless his heart because he is an old man), loves telling the same stories over and over again, better known as "grandpa's stories". He's adorable, he really is. And one of his favorites just so happens to be one that involves myself when I was a terrible toddler.

First of all I'll explain that my grandparents lived on a very large farm in Wisconsin. No animals, just plants of some sort, I don't even know what they were, I was like 3 when they stopped farming and decided to just keep the land. I loved the outdoors at the time and we had a sand box and the traditional tree swing, it was heaven! Apparently I got bored with the sandbox and the swing and became fascinated with my grandmother's rose bush. It was early spring so the bush had tons of rosebuds waiting to bloom. This particular rosebush's buds were shaped really small and circular like a marble. So I picked them all off, gathered them in the bucket we used in our sandbox and went hunting for my older brother so I could impress him with my newfound amusement.

I found him in the garage hammering nails randomly into a chunk of wood (he was five at the time, Social Services would have been all over my grandparents' asses had it been today's society!) As expected, my brother was impressed. He grabbed the bucket and dumped all the rosebuds onto the garage's concrete floor, we probably giggled at the way they rolled sporadically here and there. While we gathered them back up again my grandmother came out to call us in for dinner, she saw the rosebuds and knew where they came from. But being as sweet and loving as she was, she just smiled and shook her head. "What are you playing with?" she asked. "Marbles," I replied.

She missed her roses that year but boy it sure was funny seeing us kids playing with a bunch of rosebuds that we thought were marbles.

still working...

2005-04-18T17:43:00.000-04:00

So now that I've been doing this website thing again I thought I would finally get my personal page back up and running. For anyone who cares just click on the picture or type exactly devoted.to/herchaos in the browser address bar and viola! You will be transferred to my world.

employed again

2005-04-12T16:26:00.000-04:00

There is work to be done finally! I've been working on designing a website for a few days and I couldn't be happier with the results. I'm a fucking genius!! Haha, don't let me fool you, my skills are elementary in fact. But with professional tools and the knowledge of a few tricks of the trade I can pull off anything. So judge me if you must, criticize me, I don't give a damn.

UPDATE #1:
Roxy's condition has improved, its a miracle! She's perfectly back to normal and totally healthy again (for the time being anyway) hopefully this time she is cured for life. She's doing all the cute doggie things again and her ribs aren't poking out anymore either. She's even humping her boyfriend again (ok, that sounds nasty but she has this fuzzy toy that when everytime she plays with it she gets a little turned on... wierd and she's spayed too), she's barking and running around like crazy and she's so happy!

UPDATE #2:
We got our marriage license on Friday and scheduled a commissioner to perform the ceremony. Finally a permanent date has been set, June 4, 2005 at 1:00 p.m. Strangely, the courts require no form of ID whatsoever, just simply a cash only payment of $30 and a completed form containing questions regarding our parents and educational background. Very strange indeed, even my friend had something to say about it:

"I find it very odd that you can't get a driver's liscence without a birth certificate and picture ID but you could get married, which by the way is a life-altering /financial/social/moral decision without any more than cash!! Oh how I love society..."

So that's the story for now.

roxy baby

2005-04-05T22:36:00.000-04:00

This is my doggie Roxy blinking at the camera, every picture I take of her she blinks and ends up looking stoned or narcoleptic. She's a chihuahua and she's very sick, terrible cough like a human with severe bronchitis and she's had about 100 vet appointments at 5 different vets and still no cure. Her latest diagnosis is chronic infection, she's currently being medicated with a steroid and bronchial dialator (asthma medicine), and its not doing a damn thing. She's lost two pounds of the 8.5 she normally weighed so now her ribs stick out with all the other bones on her small body. Hopefully by friday her current Dr. (who is a very expensive internal medicine specialist) will determine whether or not surgery will be needed to remove the inflamation in her throat. Her biopsy showed no sign of bacterial infection and the ultrasound proved no foreign body was lodged in her trachea.

This situation has been ongoing since December 2003! The comparisons of x-rays taken February 2004 and March 2005 showed that her airway has decreased to less than half its size in a year's time.... better move fast doc! For the past 3 nights I stay awake at night listening to her cough and weeze (she sleeps on the bed with mommy and daddy) and I pull her as close to me as she will let me and cry my heart out, hoping and praying that one day she will be the healthy dog that she was when we brought her home in July 2002 at 9 months old. We went to KFC for lunch right after we picked her up that day and she drank root beer out of a 20 oz. bottle and burped like any other human, "it was the cutest thing" said the drive thru lady. When Chris sings her name over and over again in a high pitch tone she sings back. She dances on her back legs when she begs for food, her eyes water when she sleeps and when she gets really excited about a visitor at the house she pees on there shoes, just a little dribble. For now she can no longer do those cute things, she's not even a dog anymore, just a coughing weezing, and somehow still breathing, animal.

lookin up for now....

2005-04-02T17:23:00.000-05:00

I love photography, I have been in a terrible mood lately and this brought a smile to my face. It's so pretty! I had a tournament today and I kicked ass, the second half is tomorrow and I better kick ass again! Things are looking up for the moment anyway, my doggie is home, not totally cured yet but still working on it. I am postponing the wedding again but we need time and money, and whatever it takes to get the damn thing right. I have two bridesmaids! Thats good enough right? I don't know why I'm so worried about a wedding, its the honeymoon that really matters (I need a vacation already!).

Work is work and keeps me busy. I just realized that my pay stub says that my job title is Business Manager but the pay rate doesn't seem to fit that description!! I hope I get a raise in August, that's when everyone else does anyway. I miss my old job, I used to get big ass bonuses out of the blue. But my old boss was totally dumb, I swear he's had a brain injury himself and that's why he became a specialist.

I want to go back to school and finish my degree for graphic design and web development. I don't think they'll let me though. My financial aid got dropped because I didn't complete enough credits within a certain time period... assholes, how am I supposed to work full time and go to school full time, study, make passing grades, pay the bills, etc., etc. Don't even think about nightschool, I'm not giving up the only life I have. I guess thats my problem.

Well, until my book is published, I shall remain poor, so I will get back to writing...

fragile

2005-04-01T18:02:00.000-05:00

Fragile me. I keep thinking about my mother and how she dropped like a rock out of my life. I think I'm the one who actually hit rock bottom though, that moment where I can pick anything in my life and describe how it all got fucked up. Nothin ever happens the way I want it to, nothin turns out for the best ya know. After the divorce I clung to a string of hope, hoping she wouldn't leave me the same way he did (my father). Sure we speak to each other but there's nothing but an empty space filled with a whiteness that only makes it oh so obvious to see the nothingness we have now.

"She tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, pinching a caress along your jawline like its clay she's shaping. But she's not shaping you anymore. She long ago asked you to shape yourself, occasionally tossing out a shard of worry for you to dismiss."

I read that in a Mary Karr book and it describes to a T the way my mother is. I think my whole family is like that. We're all spread out across the US and apparently I'm the only one who has long distance calling. And I've tried convincing myself that its ok for me to be the one to keep in touch, I'm supposed to be the glue that holds us together somehow. It's bad that I feel more like family with my fiance's family.

I'm 22, I'm not supposed to give a damn about this stuff, I'm supposed to be out with friends living a young and wild life, and taking advantage of life itself. I don't know why it bothers me so much, and why everytime I think about my mother I want to cry, we were so close like best friends and I don't even know her anymore. She's a completely different person now. And there's a part of me that wants to shut her out, tell her to fuck off for good, but the child in me, full of hurt and hope at the same time, can't let that happen.

There's nothing like curling up into a tiny ball, lying in the bed for hours thinking of nothing in particular, yet still wanting to cry your eyes out just because you're fragile.

happy f * ing easter

2005-03-30T22:58:00.000-05:00

Who the hell decided to put Easter in March? I know this is so late because I'm still recuperating from the worst weekend ever! The aforementioned killer still remains at large and happens to be a neighbor, along with the crackheads, drug dealers and so forth but hey its cheap living! At least I thought so until I received a notice that my rent is going up AGAIN! This on top of the $850 vet bill today, my poor doggie... The vet says:

"...her condition is serious and may cause her to expire."

What the fuck!!! Don't fucking tell me my dog is going to "expire", much less fucking die. Tell me your ass is going to make me feel like my hard earned two weeks pay is well spent!! I hate doctors no matter what species they deal with. She's having a biopsy done on Friday, so until the results come back a week from then, my nerves are fried... I'm afraid I will no longer be able to communicate with the world.

breaking news: a killer on the loose

2005-03-26T00:28:00.000-05:00

It would have been an ordinary day had it not been for the swat teams, dozens of police officers, FBI agents and at least three helicopters keeping an uncomfortably close eye on my neighborhood. I came home to an eerie and unusual situation! You see, there just so happens to be a bank within walking distance from my home, and it just so happens that some crazy ass guy got pissed off because this bank didn't approve his loan, so he gunned down the bank manager! Apparently after the shooting he ran from the scene on foot and into the neighborhood I call home.

I had to leave work early today to take my dog to yet another vet appointment and upon arriving at the entranceway to my neighborhood I was denied entrance by car and was told to walk to my house, which is only a short distance from the main entrance. Still I couldn't help but notice that cops were telling frantic neighbors to keep inside and lock all doors, these two swat members pictured above were actually standing at my front gate armed with 36-inch rifles and all!

The feeling I had is completely unexplainable, almost like denial. I thought to myself, this can't be happening, it was something straight out of the movies or Iraq or something! As I walked up to my front gate one of the swat guys asked me if I knew anything about a van parked close by and when I told him it belonged to my next door neightbor he asked me what his house number was, I wasn't exactly sure, being completely beside myself with anxiety and excitement, so I turned my head to find out the number myself. He then ordered me in a stern yet patient manner to not to look at my neighbor's house. I obliged and quickly walked into my own home, hoping to extract one sick dog along with her medical records and numerous sets of x-rays without catching a stray bullet between my eyes. Meanwhile, the other healthier and very protective dog bolts through the door as soon as I opened it and immediately barks at the swat guys. I dropped everything in a panic, trying to chase her down and to stop her loud yipping, as if her barks would draw potentially harmful attention from a killer on the loose. After getting the dog and myself safely inside my home, I rushed to find the sick one and the appropriate documents for her appointment. The telephone rang, how can anyone call me at a time like this, I thought. I ignored the call and rushed out the door. The walk back to my car seemed like more of a marathon than the lovely stroll any other day would have offered.

As my dog and I settled into my car I thought I was safe again. My breathing slowed to a normal pace as well as my pounding heart and over re-active imagination. That quickly changed as a loud boom sounded, sending my heart rate back to panic mode. I shakily put the car in drive and left the scene with a chirp from the tires.

The helicopters and law enforcement crews remained in the area for almost 8 hours. The loud boom I later found out was a smoke bomb detonated inside a suspicious van, one that was not my next door neighbor's, but one that actually belonged to an older gentleman who lived farther back in the neighborhood. The effort was a wasted one however, no one was inside the van and a suspect who killed a bank manager was never taken into custody.

Ladies and gentleman, we have a killer on the loose.

oh my my my...

2005-03-23T22:24:00.000-05:00

Wow, jaw dropping, absolutely breathtaking and utterly amazing!! I cannot sound more like a cheesey teeny bopper fan right now but dammit, I've always thought I should be a talent scout because I know good singin' when I hear it. I've been obsessed with american idol, I can't help myself, so this country chick is on the show, I pretty much ignored her for the first few episodes and then BAM she turns into Sandy from the movie Grease! All hardcore, in-your-face rockin out with one of my all-time favorite songs "Alone" by Heart. I literally had chills! I mean, I would kill to have the ability to sing anything so perfect and so captivating.

Ok, before I start sounding like a lesbian stalker.... um yea. I will hush now. But seriously, I jam out in my car, at home when no one else is here (I totally have stage fright) every chance I get and there is just no way I could ever be that talented. Why I wasn't blessed with a beautiful voice... shame shame shame!

wedding bell rings

2005-03-16T19:03:00.000-05:00

There's almost no reason at all for me to have a formal wedding... (I say this while my nervous breakdown continues, pardon me while I cry all over my keyboard, I can barely see the monitor so I'm sure the spellcheck will be quite handy today.) We've set about five or six dates already but the most recent one happens to be May 14. The date's not the most important thing though... Location, location, location! When Chris and I first got engaged I was dreaming!

The Dream: Botanical Gardens, lilies and orchids gallore, formal reception aferwards at like a fancy hotel ballroom, big white dress, flower girl ring bearer bridesmaids groom's men, catered food photographer DJ wedding cake tons of guests and equally tons of booze dancing (checkin out all the gifts on the gift table, cant wait for those!) limosine honeymoon great sex and lots and lots of sleep....

The Reality: Grandma's backyard fake flowers rented tux and rented dress fried chicken plastic table cloths a few close friends and family all the bridesmaids are pregnant or just gave birth groom's men are annoying and immature no flower girl no ring bearer, father lives too far away probably can't go, my mother is totally blowing me off (I'm sorry honey I don't have a lot of money) and all Chris's mother can think about is "We can have fried chicken and deviled eggs wouldnt that be nice?!"

Is it too much to ask for a beautiful wedding??

rosie has a bloggie

2005-03-13T03:03:00.000-05:00

It must be extremely rare to come across a celebrity's blog! Actually if you read anything I'm certain you'll see this headline everywhere. Rosie O'Donnell has a blog. It's really interesting, I mean you'd have to understand some things going on in her life, like she's talking about some kind of court case (I live under a rock, I never know anything) and most of it is short prose I guess. Very fragmented thoughts and what not. But in case you live under a rock yourself than you can check out her blog at onceadored.blogspot.com

gas mask nation

2005-02-25T19:28:00.000-05:00

This will piss off so many people hahaha. A nice picture I came across while endlessly searching the internet for nothing in particular. I have way too much free time folks.